Dickin' Around

Looking for a fun way to spend your recuperation time after an excessive bout of autoeroticism? Well, when you’re chafed, bruised and by yourself, get back to your prepubescent roots with “The Bijou Cock Coloring Book” (www.bijouworld.com, must be 21 or older). Depicted hanging around, nested in their portals of choice and mingling with mass media self-promoters like Falwell, Dubya and Arnold, these appendages push an absurd and playful political and religious commentary. For only $12.95, you can spend a rainy day coloring a vagina filled with the head of Ann Coulter, and soon you’ll be hard pressed to tell the two-dimensional pricks, assholes and pussies on the page from the 3D ones in real life. ------

Got wood? While dildos may come in handy on those lonely nights, a common complaint is that they can be a little too impersonal. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Hmmm, maybe they would feel more intimate if you made your own. Now you can, with the help of Matt Pagett’s crafty little book, Make Your Own Sex Toys ($14.95, www.chroniclebooks.com). This illustrated how-to guide suggests 50 different playthings that you can create with a few simple materials. If you do decide to whittle your own dildo (a word of Latin origin meaning “open wide,” wink, wink, nudge, nudge), we suggest you use cherry wood—it’s softer. And don’t forget to sand, sand, sand. Even the most aggressive Brazilian wax won’t remove those splinters. (David Callicott)

Hot Diggity Dawg Is your furry little friend’s libido out of control? Does your couch need a break? If you won’t do it for your upholstery, do it for your leg—pick up a Hotdoll today! (Well, not today, today, as they’re still in manufacturing.) But keep an eye out online and in your friendly neighborhood pet store for this sex doll for dogs and make your pooch’s wet dreams come true. Created by 24-year-old French industrial designer Clement Eloy, the Hotdoll structure is covered with a one-centimeter technogel skin for a soft touch and comes with rubber feet to provide stability for Rover’s humping pleasure. Plus, it’s endowed with curvaceous doggy hips and comes in two sizes to accommodate well-hung canines or simply those who like ’em with a bit more cushion for the pushin’. It even has a rear cavity (who knew dogs like anal sex?), which needs to be washed regularly, for obvious reasons. Feel free to apply feminine spray to keep your pal’s Hotdoll feeling fresh. Still not convinced? Let’s put it this way, if you had a choice between doing a plastic doll and getting neutered, which would you pick? ’Nuff said. (Kari Milchman)

Naughty by Nature Not everyone wants to use the plastic, synthetic offerings of most sex shops to tickle their fancies. Some want something a little closer to nature. At Earth Erotics , online shoppers will find an array of whip-its and stick-its to fulfill their every need. The Artistic Solid Glass Wands are blown-glass dildos that come in many lengths, textures, colors and prices ($35-$200), and they’re all made from the highest quality Schott Art Glass. These non-toxic dildos are made from recyclable materials and are free of heavy chemicals and solvents. Plus, they come out squeaky clean after being boiled in water. Earth Erotics also provides a Standard Recycled Innertube Flogger ($40), for those who enjoy a good spanking but who aren’t too keen on toys made from the supple skin of dead animals. Instead, this flogger is made from recycled car, truck and heavy machinery innertube for that hurt-so-good feeling. Both of these toys are handcrafted and environmentally friendly, so horny hippies with money to spare after their weekly trip to Trader Joe’s shouldn’t feel so bad indulging in some of these earthly delights. (Christine Werthman)