A woman calls "How many "Uh, four." "Five "Oh. Five." "Five "Five." So I qualify A few days In the reception "Noooh. She’s We’re My first problem We’re My jaw drops We’re Then we get
and asks some questions to see if I qualify for a focus group. The questions
are about my use of cosmetics. As I answer, I’m surprised and embarrassed
to realize that I wear an awful lot of makeup.
days a week do you apply makeup?"
would be better."
is good. How many days a week do you wear blush?"
for the focus group. I’m sent a FedEx containing a homework assignment
to purchase an item of the sponsoring brand on Macy’s main floor, for which
I’ll be reimbursed. If we’d had homework like this in high school,
I would have done some of it. I buy a lavender lipstick that looks better in
the tube than on my lips.
later, the "research session" is held in midtown. Seven participants.
Each girl has a "look," but each look is different. One has spiky
bleached-blonde hair, red suede shoes and a bedazzled retro t. Another has yanked-back
hair, a vivid purple shirt and modified Buddy Holly glasses. A very pretty Latina
with glossy dark locks, deep lipstick, slacks and heels. Etc. I take my Kleenex
with the red lips printed on them out of my lizard-look purse and someone stifles
area, we’re given a questionnaire to double-check that we qualify for the
study. I circle all the fives. I chat with another participant who must be a
former model–real tall with perfect body, skin and face. She’s going
to L.A. and I’ve just been. She tells me she’s painted her toenails
in anticipation of the warm weather, knowing that I must have done the same
thing. I recommend a chain restaurant. "Oh noooh, but we have that here,"
she counters. Then she asks me who owns the hotel I stayed at. "Balasz?
I think he owns the Morgan here."
got me. I’ve confused my hoteliers. I crawl into the meeting room.
told we’ll be videotaped; a one-way mirror lines the wall. I get a rush
when I see all the pretty-colored pots and vials laid out on the conference
is that I can’t pronounce the product. "What I like about Bourgwee…uh
Boujwasie uh…" Can we rewind the tape? The facilitator draws a scale
on her easel and asks us to rate the funkiness of the line. The group says that
competitor Hard Candy is funkier, at the top of the funky scale. This upsets
me. I blurt, "Well I use Hard Candy and I am NOT funky." In a flurry,
the girls appease me by conceding that Hard Candy ranks only a 95 in funkiness,
asked to rate different ad campaign statements. A preppie soft-spoken woman
gives each campaign a 10. One statement goes on about feeling feminine and confident.
I say, "This is awful. It sounds like an ad for a feminine hygiene product."
A hush comes over the room and I am stared at as if I am a lavender-lipped Hitler.
Preppie gives it a 10. Purple shirt says, "I don’t like to be called
feminine. That’s sort of an insult."
as my head swivels and my eyes pop to gape in horror at the speaker of this
insanity. Then I wince, hearing the laughter my pop-eyes will cause at playback.
asked for a banner statement to identify the cosmetics line. I point to their
poster ad, saying, "I like what they used there–Joie de Vivre."
The facilitator gives me a cold silent stare for seven seconds and says, "Why
is it you can pronounce that, but not the name of the company?"
sandwiches! I wolf down a deli-sized ham and cheese on rye, camera be damned.
Just a few more questions, and we pounce on the samples we’re offered.
I say thank-you to the facilitator, but she’s absorbed by a discussion
of whether to feed the next group or not. The receptionist hands me an envelope
with 125 clams in it. Hey, that’s nine lipsticks.
A woman calls
So I qualify
A few days
In the reception
My first problem
My jaw drops
Then we get