Crystal Ball Drop

Written by James Greene Jr. on . Posted in Arts & Film, Posts.

With 2009 almost a squashed bug on the windshield of humanity, we force ourselves to stare 2010 in the face and wonder, “What the hell kind of crazy stuff is gonna happen this year?” Indeed, we’d all like to know ahead of time the erractic turns the economy, the weather and our sex lives are going to take. New York Press is on the case; we tracked down a few of our city’s finest clairvoyants to see what their powers could glean for Oh Ten.

“The economy needs love,” says Psychic Hank, a New York-based psychic with 15 years experience, suggesting we must hug our money more to make it work better. “It is not something to be feared and objectified. It is part of us.”

Astrosexologist Kiki T. is similarly general in her economic forecast, claiming “no major shifts” will occur regarding our money situation come 2010.You see, Pluto (“The planet of death,” says Kiki) went into Capricorn in 2009, which means something will happen, albeit very gradually.

Not the news we wanted to hear, but hey, don’t worry if you’re an Aquarius, Pisces or Cancer. Kiki, whose book The Celestial Sexpot’s Handbook drops in ’10, says those are the astrological signs most likely to strike it rich in 2010. Most likely to get a promotion? Leo, Scorpio, Aries. Most likely to get hot, stinky sex action? Scorpio, Leo,Virgo. You Lions and Predatory Arthropods are in for an action-packed year.

OK, enough of this boring nobody stuff.What the hell’s going on with stupid celebrities in 2010? Psychic Hank says Ashton Kutcher is going to unleash some kind of “nature project.”

“Mr. Demi Moore is very connected to nature and wants to share his vision and passion with everyone. I’m not sure how this transpires, but it involves taking people into nature and exposing them to the wonders of it.”

All right, so it’s Punk’d in the forest. I can get down with that. Sadly, though, 30 Rock looks like it’s headed further down the crapper.

“The future of [30 Rock] will focus more on children,” says Hank. “Focusing on their perspective as young people and with the intention of improving the world for children and the future for all people.”

In even worse news, “Psychic To The Stars” Psychic Nikki claims 2010 will bear witness to another Celine Dion pregnancy, an unexpected Cher comeback and more Donald Trump reality swill. Nikki is my type of soothsayer— the doomsday prophet. According to her, everyone’s going to have some kind of bad luck.

Check out just some of the maladies awaiting humanity next year, as outlined on her website.

Metallica will have to “be careful of planes.”There will be health problems for Angela Lansbury and James Garner. Dr. Phil could be kidnapped and robbed. Floods will plague Amsterdam, and killer tornadoes will hit Indiana.

Giant bat attacks will become commonplace in South America, and mysterious insects will invade Iowa. Earthquakes will rock Lake Tahoe, Rome, Naples, Alaska, Japan and Niagara Falls.

Crown jewels will be stolen and Matt Lauer will endure a sex scandal.

In the world of politics, Nikki forecasts a nude photo shoot for Sarah Palin and health problems for Jimmy Carter.

Looks like 2010’s going to be one big disaster movie.That’s way more exciting than getting a promotion or traipsing around the woods with Ashton.

Though how often are any of these people on the money with this stuff? We may be lucky if we get that one blimp explosion, let alone Jimmy Carter’s (possibly nude photo-induced) health problems.That would really be something, though, as would the giant bat attack in South America. For the sake of hilarity, let’s keep our fingers crossed and our chins held high. 2010 may just be the year of exploding blimps, the Dr. Phil kidnapping and totally nekkid Sarah Palin.