College Survival Guide: How To Pick Friends

Ah, freshman year of college. Most of you will probably end up simply being friends with the other losers who live on your floor out of convenience. But with this simple guide, you can seek out those who will make your college experience a winning one. Just don’t try to befriend anybody who isn’t a student—the rest of us hate you.

The Local: There’s going to be someone in your class who grew up in New York City. This one’s important, because while the rest of your asshole friends are parading up and down Bleecker Street like the annoying tourists they are, the local will steer you in the right direction. There’s also a good chance his degenerate friends stayed in the city too, and that means house parties and good deals on drugs.

The International: If there’s a student at your private university from another country, more specifically a developing nation, chances are they are so absurdly wealthy they have been brought up to do whatever the fuck they want. This means they will freely spend their parents’ blood money and will constantly be surrounded by copious amounts of drugs and beautiful women. Also, nothing beats visiting them in their motherland and being chauffeured through whatever shithole country they are from in a tricked-out Benz.

The Educated Thug: Chances are there’s one or two legitimate “from a rough neighborhood” kids who couldn’t actually afford that SAT tutor but somehow made it into school. All the nerds at your school will be in deference to this person, even if he is actually a really sweet kid. Make friends with him and you can do whatever you want. Bonus points if there’s a neck tattoo involved.

The Affluent Yuppie: No shortage of these around. Sure, you dislike him, but he gets you access to clubs (while you’re still new enough to like clubs), pays for bottle service, has a car and will occasionally lend an invite to his parent’s beach house. Invaluable.

The Schemer: Nothing beats the schemer. Need to raise your GPA by 1.5 points in an hour? Get onto the roof of the chem building? Find a prescription for Cialis or a fake passport? The schemer has got you covered. This kid treats the world like it’s a goddamned sitcom, and that always makes for a good adventure. I knew one who used Ipecac to get out of taking a midterm and actually used a tiny earpiece to cheat on a Spanish final. God bless the schemers, for they shall inherit the city.