Cheap Trick


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CHEAP DATES
Live at LiveatBudokan

Yeah, he likes meto shove potatoes up his ass." "Robin Zander the CheapTrick singer?" "No, a dude that workswith them, I told you, who do you think gets us in every time?" "Too bad it's notRobin Zander, though actually I think I'd like him more as like a fatherthan a trick." "I use a fork." "On Robin Zander?" "Fuck off man, I nevertricked with Robin fuckin' Zander!" "What about the dude withall the guitars?" "Rick?" "He's more of a trick.Robin, I really wish he was my dad. He'd be a cool-ass dad." "I would never trick withRick." "Sure you would. You'dbe clockin' the dollahs." "He's married, gotkids, he's not like that." "That never stopped youor anyone." "This is Cheap Trick you'retalking about!" "Yeah, it's all we'vebeen listening to the last, what, year? I don't know anyone else who worshipsthe new record." "Fuckin' great. Yougotta listen with headphones. The production rips." "You've played itso fuckin' much, I know every song from their new album better than liketheir real stuff." "That's cause yourmom wasn't into Cheap Trick. My mom was way into Budokan." "My mom was a real punk,she didn't dig that skinny-tie new-wave crap, but I bet she woulda trickedwith Robin Zander?shoved a potato up his ass?he was a babe." "Still is. Not fat andbald like Johnny Rotten." "But wouldn't yourather have him as a dad?" "I guess." "How do you get the potatoout?" "Fork?" "Ask him to get Robin'sautograph?" "I did already." "On the potato?"


"You suck."
We saw them play the HardRock (this is in San Francisco, where we live) for New Year's. Weaseledour way up front. After the show everyone else was way too fucked up to botherpicking up the guitar picks Rick tosses at the audience's heads off thebeer-soaked floor. So we scored. I won with 12. Okay, so our latest wasa private party. Astor's old trick hooks us up. We thought we would haveto get there early to like score the good seats at the Fillmore. They'reupstairs and right over the stage and most desirable. We were pissed becausethe babysitter was late, so we?Speedy (Thor's mom), Astor and myself?gotthere way after the doors opened. We knew something was screwy because the choiceseats were sitting there, like unoccupied seats do, plus everyone's wearingwire-rim glasses, not shades, but like thick congealed toilet water kinds. Thenthey announce welcome to the Real party? It's the folks who do RealAudio for the Internet, their private computer party. We've done some pornfor the Internet using Real Audio so we feel part of the family. Okay, so there's allthis food and it's free. We knew there was gonna be, so we came prepared.Speedy brought her shoplifting bag filled with Tupperware. So we went in shifts.Larry Bud Melman got on and did lame-ass jokes, something about not having aCheap Trick since his ex-wife. Everyone had stopped eating and was laughingtheir glasses off, so I shoved a whole slap of fancy-ass cheese in the bag. So C.T. are touring behindCheap Trick at Budokan: The Complete Concert (Sony), which is like areally big deal, everyone is all excited, especially Astor. I see the bass playerin the lobby. It's not like I am all that familiar with what they looklike, it's just this guy stood out like a skinhead on Martin Luther KingBlvd. He had the spiked hair, long red velvet jacket and skinny-ass chicks hangingaround him. Everyone else looked like a Jehovah's Witness. Except us. Welooked cool. Okay, so when C.T. get onstage you can almost see them pause andthink? "How much we gettin' paid for this shit?" Robin lookedhot in this purple shiny suit thing and shades. He smokes through a lot of theset and he never takes a swallow of anything and his voice is goddamnedsmokin'. I mean he sounds like the record! I saw the Who's Quadropheniatour and Daltrey's voice is getting a lot like an old whore's asshole?But Zander, man? So they're doing theBudokan thing. The Witnesses are mostly into it. A lot of them are hangingin the back talking, eating, drinking Buds, even though there is free stoutand microbrews. We finally figured out that the bartender expected to get tippedbecause after our third visit for more stout he asked us real sarcastic, "Anythingelse I can get for you young men?" Okay, so a little aboutthe intelligence of this crowd. Like I said, this is my third time seeing them.First time the crowd was everyone in the San Francisco scene, very cool, mostlyyoung. The next time was, like I said, New Year's at the Hard Rock, whichwas supposed to be a free show, but the truth is if you weren't on a guestlist your ass was out freezing in a line that never moved. So everyone was an"industry" someone, or friends of? Lotta severely loaded yuppies. So this show, the privateparty, place is packed with engineers. Only show where the audience couldn'tfigure out that taking the heavy yoyo type glow-in-the-dark souvenirs they gaveout at the door and throwing them at the band might not be a good idea. Afterdodging a few, Robin was looking ready to talk some serious shit. Rick startedthrowing his picks instead of tossing them. Luckily, a few more Budswere had and the computer experts stopped trying to brain the band. Our favorite song was "AufWiedersehen." Astor thinks they stole some of the lyrics from that Soundof Music song. Along with Cheap Trick's new album, we do a lot of Soundof Music. Speedy's mom was way into that. So it's getting tobe near the end of the show. "This is history, man!" Astor keeps saying.Cheap Trick is playing "I Want You to Want Me" and I look out overthe floor and everyone is going nuts, and all I can think about is what'smissing. Fucking dessert. I keep watching the tables to see if they snuck somecake or something out, but nothing. I mean the food was on the healthy side,lotta roasted veggies, salads, all good, fine. But I know for a fact that computerguys are way into sugar. I've tricked with a lot of them and they all domajor sugar. Mostly 3 Musketeers bars. So I really can't believe they'regonna get away with no fucking dessert. Plus I can't decide if I'drather be a really hot chick Robin would fuck, or his son. I know he'd be such a cool dad to have. Like he wouldn't tell you not to smoke. He'dbe the type to give you one of his and tell you, "Son, smoking is a dirty, nasty habit, even though I look cool as fuck doing it, it's bad. But ifyou're gonna smoke, ya don't gotta sneak. Here kid, I'll lightya up?" But he also makes these pained faces when he sings and youjust know that's how he looks when he shoots his wad and that's prettyhot. So it's basically a tossup for me. Okay, so the show is over.Two encores, just like on the album, but a bunch of engineers lamely cheeringisn't exactly a stadium of crazed Japanese babes tearing their pantiesoff. So, C.T. leave the stage not exactly in a blaze of glory. Astor is allfuckin' overwhelmed. I can't believe they didn't even put outJell-O or a fruit salad or some fucking sugar. Okay, so then the best thinghappens. We're leaving and I see folks kinda hanging in this side roomupstairs, and I say, "Hey, let's just check this out." And surea-fucking-nuff, it's dessert! I mean fucking dessert! Allthese high-quality truffles, and tiny tarts, and mini-cakes and this hot apple crisp with homemade vanilla ice cream. All the folks downstairs had no idea,so only a few folks are chowing. Well, eventually, Astorand Speedy had to take my arm and tell me no. I only stopped after Speedy promisedme she had loaded the shoplifting bag. We left and sang "Surrender"on the bus so loud the bus driver turned to us and said, "Would you kidsplease stop? I really hate Cheap Trick."

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