Brooklyn Evictions Put Hipsters in the Snow

Nonetheless, quite a few people are crying foul over last week's Fire Dept. evictions and threats to evict. As reported in the Dec. 19 Daily News, the FDNY has compiled a list of some 100 places targeted as commercially zoned buildings outfitted with dangerous (but "trendy") lofts in some of New York City's desirable B&T neighborhoods: Williamsburg, Greenpoint, DUMBO and the like. If you believe the voices given ink in the News and subsequent Dec. 20 New York Times articles, it's an outrage. Middle of winter! Almost Christmas! Freezing families! Dot-commers in Red Cross shelters!

By and large, these buildings are leftovers from Brooklyn's once-vibrant waterfront machine. The landlords know it's illegal to allow residential use; the tenants know it's illegal to live there. Lofters understand that any renovations they perform will ultimately vanish into the equity ether: they're investing in someone else's property. Despite romantic dreams of homesteading and neighborhood terraforming, they're still renters. For the most part, everyone's been content with?if wary of?the situation. Until the Fire Dept.'s list of targeted buildings was published.

As it turns out, I've got friends who live in one of the "listed" properties. One told me that these evictions are nothing new, and nothing to go screaming about.

"Everyone went through this inspection nightmare seven or eight years ago," he told me. "If that fuck from the Daily News hadn't started poking his damn nose into the subject," this latest report from the FDNY would've gone by unnoticed."

In my friends' case, the landlord will simply bring the building up to code: charge the sprinkler system, install firehoses in the stairwell and secure the fire escapes. Mattresses will be hidden from the inspectors, and everyone will be fine.

"The people who are really fucked are the folks in DUMBO," where they've got wooden staircases, no sprinklers and no fire escapes.

According to the Times article, some 60 DUMBO residents were evicted from their illegal lofts due to these fire violations. Thing is, if one believes Leslie Samuel, quoted as saying that "families with children" were being evicted, maybe this is a legit preventative measure. What business do parents have raising children in an illegal space with stairways built of kindling, no emergency exits to speak of and a sprinkler system serving as naught more than a quaint industrial "detail"? What would the outraged loft advocates say if one of these tinderbox ex-factories were to light up like the Triangle Shirtwaist factory? We'd be hearing about 60 poor, dead artists, the hapless victims of a scumbag landlord who failed to replace the wooden staircases left over from the dark, unregulated industrial heyday of Brooklyn. "Where were the Fire Dept. inspectors when we needed them?" the advocates would cry.

Back in Williamsburg, you don't exactly hear cries of solidarity. Ed, a 27-year-old, four-year Williamsburg veteran who once lived in one of the listed buildings: "Fuck them"?meaning the landlords. He left his loft space because "management was sketchy," echoing a sentiment I've heard from current occupants of that building. Apparently, the maze of leasing and subleasing paperwork for each loft would make the minotaur proud. As for the tenants, Ed finds it hard to be sympathetic. If you're living in one of those spaces, you know the risks. He'd be happy to see the landlords suffer a bit, but, essentially, it's tough shit on the tenants.

Or take a guy like Maurice, a 21-year-old with four months of Williamsburg living under his belt. If he and his three roommates get evicted from their 2600-square-foot, $2300-a-month space, he'll just find another place to live.

"It's the kind of agreement that both parties go into knowing exactly what can happen?" Meaning, basically, he's 21 years old and he'll be just fine.

The only real complaints I've found were posted on the Daily News forum. Mississipo@aol.com bleeds: "I'd like to thank the Daily News for squeezing an internal report from the fire department and exposing my illegal living space. Perhaps, as a follow-up, they can cover the pain of my eviction. I promise to cry and throw all my possessions in the dumpster as I amble to the red cross shelter for my christmas ham."

Such melodrama is laughable, especially when you picture the thick, black frames slipping down the nose of the wormboy pounding the keys of his PowerBook, crying in outrage at the impending, inevitable broker's fee. You can practically hear him sobbing, "But I just got all the bugs out of my DSL!"

Best, though, is Motown101@aol.com's hope that the Daily News "might uncover the real motives behind this inhumane new [eviction] policy and may even save a whole population of artists from the street."

As if they're California condors in need of protective breeding programs before they can be rereleased into the wild.

Face it: the artists will be fine, just like the rest of us who've gotten screwed in this godless real estate market. If you think you've found a loophole, you're kidding yourself. Enjoy your illicit space while it lasts, but don't delude yourself into thinking you're entitled to anything more than the rest of us. Get your crashpads lined up, and keep your laptop batteries charged and ready for the quick flight.