Bash Compactor: Where’s the Bush?

Written by Matt Harvey on . Posted in Bash Compactor, Posts.

What do Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Yosemite Sam and Rasputin have in common? “They all were great beards,” a fast-talking event coordinator named Beardzz, who looks like a member of ZZ Top, told me. It was Saturday night at Public Assembly in Williamsburg, and different styles of whiskers were on everyone’s hair-topped lips. The New York City Beard and Mustache Championships was going full throttle and real Americans were trouncing the local, more ironic, talent. Categories like “freestyle,” “natural” and “Full Beard, Styled Mustache,” meant serious business to guys like Burke Kenny,a 23-year-old Oregonian and overall champ of the night. “FBSM, for short,” he said of his class, sweeping though his long, thick beard with a wooden brush he keeps holstered in his belt.“It’s a complete lifestyle.”

As if on cue, Jack Passion, author of a Jack Passion’s Facial Hair Handbook, walked by decked out in a blinding white linen tux with two feet of flowing red hair sprouting from his chin. Two girls from Spain nervously cooed for his autograph; “We lahvv yo beehd.”

So, Jack, the beards go down well with the broads, huh? A twinkle in his eye, he replied, “The good thing is they filter out the dumb ones.” As if that sentence wasn’t enough incentive to consider some bristles; to my right, Austin Lazarus, a tiny leather-jacket-clad lady was trying to convince a young buck named Cody, with freakishly waxed whiskers, to give her a good time. Speaking of beards and broads, Passion,a Bay Area computer programmer, said he was tiring of the hipsters mocking stubble. “The ironic mustache is OK, but where’s the ironic ‘70’s bush?” Off to our right, Austin was still trying to pull her shy young beau. Stroking his chin hair, Cody admitted sheepishly,“They do call this type the flavor saver.” “Hell yeah! I would be into that,” Austin gushed back, tugging at his arm. “Would you be?” “Definitely…” Pausing for a long time he finally stammered, “Um, but, err I’m more of a cuddle guy.”