Bash Compactor: Profound Pet

Written by Matt Harvey on . Posted in Bash Compactor, Posts.

Penthouse magazine’s halcyon days are a distant memory, but the idea of a few minutes’ face-time with skimpily attired Pets sparked the excitement of enough bridge-and-tunnel weekend warriors—of both sexes—to nearly fill the West 26th Street nightclub Pomme on Friday night.

The party was billed as October 2009 Pet Ryan Keely’s 25th birthday, and Keely wore a white see-through Grecian toga. Keely is primarily known for the 15 to 20 hardcore girl-on-girl fetish films she performs in each year, but she is quick to say that she doesn’t want to be put in a box: “There’s so much more to me than just my favorite position.”

Standing up, she slipped off her toga, adjusted it, posed for a photograph, and returned to our conversation, adding: “I spend my whole life talking about sex.” I agreed that it must be annoying and asked Keely what she wanted to talk about. She was an A student who loved Dungeons and Dragons and fashion, but instantly soured on fashion modeling when—posing for her first layout—a photographer’s assistant told her to skip lunch. “The porn industry treats women way better than the fashion industry,”

she said. “I love myself too much to lose weight.”

Now that Keely is a quarter of a century old, she’s reviving her intellectual potential to become the “Tony Robbins of sex”—evangelizing porn techniques to everyday stiffs through a series of seminars and workshops called Porn Star Sex Life.

“I want there to be more orgasms in the world,” she gushed between sips of a vodka and cranberry, using herself as an example of her powerful technique.

On a bad day she’ll come three times, she said, but tries for 10 orgasms, and even claims, on one noteworthy day, to have racked up 60. While such a formula may be the perfect distraction for the legions of unemployed, it wouldn’t seem to leave enough time to shower—forget giving a motivational seminar. As if reading my mind she clarified herself, saying, “I still get to use my brain a lot, which I love.”