Bash Compactor: Hooking Up

Written by Matt Harvey on . Posted in Bash Compactor, Posts.

Monday night at Housing Works, Sara Barron read
a chapter from her new book People Are Unappealing entitled “You Say
Penis, I Say Pienus.” She followed it up by performing a porn
screenplay she had written when she was 11. Cranking up the Valley Girl
inflection a few notches, she and her sidekick Maggy McBrien ran
the lines. Barron gushed, “Then he started rubbing his penis all over
my body—and it was extremely satisfying.” Twirling her ponytail,
McBrien hit back, “Oh my gawd. Yah! Then what?” “Then he unhooked

A blushing gray-haired woman in the audience—Sara’s mom in from Illinois—did a little fist pump. Maybe Mrs. Barron was
hoping that this cathartic moment would finally abnegate her failure to
give the young Sara the talk two decades ago. Sara—a flirty, attractive
29-year-old soaked in musky perfume—told me it was “half at 16 and half
at 19” when she found out that “pienuses” weren’t “vaginia”-seeking
hooks. Pressed on whether she really still believed in hooks, she
admitted, “I sort of got it the first time.” Our talk of the merits of
erotica versus porn paused when Mom—still a slight shade of
scarlet—came over and congratulated her daughter. Sara took her arm and
said plaintively,“Mom, I know this making you uncomfortable.”

Mom shot back,“This isn’t making me uncomfortable.”Turning her head,
the author fixed on a bald gent standing glumly among the crowd of
Pabst-slurping twenty- and thirty-somethings. Her comedienne’s cheer
gave way to a grimace.“Hi, Dad.”