REMEMBER WHEN YOU went trick or treating last Halloween and everybody gave you weird looks? It wasn’t because of your totally ironic Sara Palin as the Joker costume.You’re in that weird and awkward phase where you’re not a kid, but you’re so sick of costume parties that if you see one more girl dressed up as a sexy [blank] you’ll scream.What is there left to do? If you still love the horrific side of Halloween, but don’t want to watch the same old scary movies or take in the scene that house parties can offer, why not try one of these gruesome haunted houses. Read more Read it in print

There’s always been something inexplicably fun about The Citizen’s Band. While we’re generally bored of burlesque, this musical theater troop has had enough chutzpah and crazy-ass ou Read more

Hey, do you want to be in a room full of scary guys with cauliflower ears? Me too! So let’s go to the Javits center where the MMA is hosting its big confab featuring appearances by Wanderlei Silva, Matt Hughes and an assortment of martial arts schools vying for the honor to teach you how to kick ass. Read more

In perhaps the most edifying development in nightlife, Chinese food restaurants are the new superclubs. Read more Read it in print

Oct. 11, Knitting Factory, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), Brooklyn, 347-529-6696; 8:30, $15. Read more Read it in print

For those who think of us as effete intellectuals, and for those of us whose mothers wish us to settle down with a nice Jewish boy, this walking tour, put on by Kinky- Jews.com, serves as an effective antidote.The tour transports you back to the days of Henry Roth’s Call It Sleep. Read more Read it in print

Autumn leaves remind us of our own aged form, but this week allows that aging can be done gracefully.Ten years after the Dude was born, he lives on in a bowling alley in Brooklyn. And 100 years after a movement died, its resurrected in the basement of the Guggenheim. Read more Read it in print

The Blue Rider in Performance Sept. 25, Guggenheim Museum, 1071 5th Ave. (at E. 89th St.) 212-423-3500; 8, $7 and up World War I fucked up a lot of things. One of the happiest casualties is resurrect Read more

The Kitchen Block Party Sept. 26, West 19th Street between 10th & 11th Avenues; noon to 5, FREE Perhaps you tried to get into the Le Fooding event at PS 1, huh? Sold out. No worries though. He Read more

How I Learned to Live In New York Sept. 23, Happy Ending, 302 Broome St. (betw. Forsyth & Eldridge Sts.), 212-334-9676; 8, FREE Lessons from funny people about learning to cope in the big city lik Read more