Hello, Alaska! Welcome to the big time!
As a New Yorker, I find it difficult to take you seriously. I always thought that Canada was more of a state than you are—at least they have a Major League Baseball team. But now that your governor is running for vice president, I have decided to give you a closer look.
By the way, where are you? I am looking at my map of the United States and can’t find you. Are you one of those squiggly lines between Pennsylvania and Ohio?
A few more questions. What does seal taste like? Do snow shoes come in pumps? Are there any igloos as tall as the Empire State Building?
You probably think I am an Eastern elitist. May I suggest that you are being overly sensitive? Just because you do not have a single Ivy League school, a Bloomingdale’s or a decent modern art museum doesn’t mean that you should have an inferiority complex.
My problem with voting for your governor is that I have always thought of our national leaders as coming from places I learned about in high school: the 13 Colonies, the Farm Belt, the Wild West, the Deep South. I know that Joe Biden comes from a state where not much happens, but at least Delaware has a river that was crossed by George Washington.
What is your historical claim to fame? The rescue mission of Balto the sled dog?
Besides, after spending less than 50 years in the union, you’re not experienced enough to have one of your own running the country. After all, no Floridian has ever been voted into the White House, and the Sunshine State has been around since the 1840s. Wait your turn!
Worst of all is that you are so far away (yes, I finally found you on my map). The nearest Whole Foods is more than 1,000 miles away!
I love eating your salmon and Eskimo Pie ice cream, but I just can’t vote for someone from a state where dog mushing is the official sport. Perhaps your governor could win me over if she spent a year or two in New York’s City Council, or as Brooklyn’s Borough President.
Brooklyn may not have any oil, but at least it has a bridge that goes somewhere.
Ben Krull is a family law attorney and freelance writer.
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