The Right Age For City Kids to Walk Home

As the mother of three age-disparate children, I often find myself chatting with other parents about the right time to let kids "go." To let them go to bed a little later, to let them go to sleepaway camp, to let them go to the movies by themselves. However, as city parents raising city kids, there seems to be one "when to let go" question that reigns supreme: When do I let my child go to school alone?

Never.

At least, that's the quick answer I got when I asked a well-known and well-regarded parenting expert during one of his lectures. And he's right.

Our kids tend to lobby hard for the next privilege on the developmental ladder. And they lobby early. They want cell phones, Facebook accounts, time alone with friends. It's completely natural for them to want to separate from us; and, as parents, it's completely natural for us to want to hold them a little closer when they back away.

But what we have to do, when faced with the next developmental shift from our kids, is to ask ourselves if what they're asking for is safe. We can supervise-to some extent-their cell phones and their computers, but walking to and from school alone can be risky.

For city families, the walk-alone discussion usually crops up when our kids enter middle school. Free from the many restraints of elementary school, kids suddenly feel empowered and grown. Clearly, they are not grown. But they should be given the opportunity to feel empowered. That's the gift we give them as parents, all along this incredible journey. Yesterday, when they were chubby-faced toddlers, we thrilled them with the introduction of solid foods to their diets, and today we're letting them navigate city streets on their own.

For everything there is a season.

As the mom of a high schooler, a middle schooler and an elementary schooler, I never take a one-size-fits-all approach. It just doesn't work. There are things a 16-year-old can do that an 8-year-old cannot. It makes sense-it's not always appreciated by the younger members of our family-but it makes sense. And we know our own kids. Each of my kids displays different levels of maturity at different ages. So I have to preach accordingly.

When that famed parenting expert (and I should clarify here that he was speaking to middle-school parents) replied that we should never let our kids walk to school alone, his emphasis was on the "alone." They should travel with a group-or, at least, with a trusted friend. This is a tough city, no matter how low our crime rates may be. This is a busy city. This is a distracted city. Adults have difficulty making their way, from time to time. How can we feel comfortable letting our 11-, 12-, 13-year-olds go?

We set guidelines and limits. The travel-buddy approach is a good approach. I always insist that the cell phones my tween and teenager "had" to own have been charged and on when they leave the house. They have to touch base before and after each outing. They have to be reachable by said cell phone along the way. And they have to be where they say they're going to be, all the time. Those are the rules. Do they get broken? Sometimes. And then the "privilege" of walking somewhere without me gets revoked.

It's not easy, this business of letting go. But kids and parents can learn from each other. They'll let you know when they're ready, and we let ourselves know when we're ready, too. The beauty of this parenting life is that there's always another something to let go.