A Summer Guide for the Well-Endowed Man A Summer Guide …

Written by Ned Vizzini on . Posted in Miscellaneous, Posts.



It is tough to get by in
America as a man with a large penis. From the get-go, one is branded a brute,
a tool, a member of the lower classes. If a woman has taken a large-penised
man for a lover and she is praising him to her friends, she does not say, "He
has a big dick," she says, "He has a big dick and he’s
an excellent…" stockbroker, dog-walker, chef, corrections officer,
etc. She declines to mention the penis alone because it is embarrassing to have
a large one, or to cope with a large one.


Even more
troubling, the Man with Large Penis (or MLP, pronounced "mlp") is
expected to perform well in bed. If he does not, the trait that will be paired
with his large-penised-ness will invariably be his sexual inadequacy–"He
has a big dick but he’s terrible in bed"–to be followed
by laughter and taunting. The MLP is expected to know when to play up, play
down and keep quiet about himself in a relationship, with pet names sometimes
and mute humility others. The role models for MLPs are bad people: John
Holmes, James Woods, Tommy Lee, R. Crumb.


Yet perhaps
the most frustrating aspect of single MLP living is the problem of finding an
adequate device for prophylactic sheathing. Normal-size condoms, especially
anything marked "thin" or "sensitive," are guaranteed to
pop like dull cannons during an MLP sexual encounter, with all the accompanying
fumbling, apologizing, added cost and possible yelling about pregnancy and STDs.
For this reason, New York Press has come forward with the first of its
kind, a Large Condom Map of Manhattan that delineates the facilities
in which one may buy more garbage-bag-like rubbers during the day or evening
hours. (Late-night buys are extremely difficult, as will be discussed.) We believe
this map will be especially useful now, as the season of heightened sexual activity
dawns.


Creating
this map involved systematically entering Manhattan’s myriad bodegas, delis
and food service outlets (such as GNC) and applying the Five-Second Rule. That
is, if a box of larger-size condoms was not clearly displayed among the tampons,
Alka-Seltzer and Visine such that it could be spotted within five seconds, the
store was assumed not to have any such condoms and was not marked on the map.
This rule was upheld because asking around for condoms is still embarrassing,
even in 2002, and is especially bad for MLPs, who must request the larger kind
and reveal their condition to overly genial store clerks. These clerks often
feel compelled to offer their own faltering comments on penis size.


Green is
the color of flappingly large condoms, just as light blue has been claimed by
milk packagers as the color of skim. (LifeStyles also incorporates teal on some
boxes, confusingly similar to green, but these do not contain larger condoms.
Beware.) The only types of large condoms one is likely to find are Trojan, LifeStyles
and Trojan Magnum, the biggest of them all–almost humorously large ones.
Trojan has much better distribution than does LifeStyles, with the reasonable-size
Trojan Large (green box) more common than the Trojan Magnum (gray box), but
still rare.


An MLP should
seek out Duane Reade first when looking for a larger-size condom. Duane Reade
always has a spectrum of choices, although they come only in larger boxes (12
count), requiring a $10 outlay. Duane Reades are quick, reliable and everywhere–there
is one nearly every six blocks in Manhattan.


CVS and
Rite Aid are also fine, but both stores have few outlets. That sums up most
of the drugstore options because there are hardly any family-owned drugstores
left in this city. Bodegas are very unreliable but are better in neighborhoods
occupied by young people, with facilities near NYU and the East Village having
decent large-condom availability. The most noticeable large-condom drought
is on Lexington Ave. in midtown, where apparently smaller-penised young
individuals live and work.


After 10
p.m., when many Duane Reades are closed, the situation becomes dire. Postmidnight
it is nearly impossible to find a larger-size condom unless one is in the Lower
East Side or West Village. The Internet, the best sex alternative, is available
24/7.


Since AIDS
has largely been defeated as a cultural pandemic, condoms are not that important
for today’s young people, but they offer advantages that the manufacturers
curiously choose to ignore in their marketing campaigns. A condom gives a man
(especially a MLP, who has more to give) the chance to reflect after sex on
the meaning and judgment (good or bad) of his act. A condom affords one the
opportunity to finish sex and then take a break to flush the prophylactic
down the toilet and look in the mirror and think about the gravity of sex and
the weird shapes of life. One of which is a rectangular green box.


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