A Slippery, Slippery Slope

Q. My girlfriend and I met a little over a year ago. After knowing each other for a few months it became obvious she was very sexual and had a wild streak. That was fine because I have a wild streak myself. After going out for about five months, I began to mention some wild things I had heard about, had never done and was interested in. She listened intently and seemed interested.

We started our adventures slowly and she definitely seemed into it. We went out to clubs with her dressed in hot outfits, and she went wild! We then went to a naturist club and took our adventures further by checking out a swingers club. I thought we should start slowly, but she really got into it, ripped my clothes off and did me in front of a room full of people. We went to the club four more times and with each visit she dressed more provocatively and got more and more into it. Over the course of our last three visits, she fooled around with me and other women and men.

We talked about what was going on, and all indications were that she was enjoying herself and was okay with everything. Outside of the clubs our one-on-one relationship only got hotter, wilder and more passionate. We did a lot of other fun activities (hiking, skiing, etc.) too, so our relationship seemed pretty balanced. Then one day she suddenly announced that she wanted to end our relationship. I found out she "hates" all the wild things we were doing. She says she can no longer trust me. (I only touched one other woman during our adventures and we didn't even do much.)

She wants to break up, but I love her very much. We seemed so compatible in so many ways. I enjoyed our adventurous lifestyle. Right now she doesn't want me to even contact her. What should I do? Should I wait for her to come around? Try to talk to her? Or maybe just move on?

—Tyler

A. Apparently girlfriend wasn't enjoying your "adventurous lifestyle" as much as you thought. Or maybe she started to enjoy it a little too much and got scared. I mean, one minute she's thinking she's all naughty in her too-short mini and see-through panties and the next she's down on all fours, jamming four fingers all up inside herself, shrieking "do me slow and dirty!" to a paneled rec-room of rutting senior citizens.

Your descent (or ascent, depending on your POV) into debauchery progressed very quickly, and girlie was probably worried about what might come next. Because really, once you've banged your boyfriend and several strangers in public, what would come next? Donkey shows? Scat? I'm not saying these particular activities would necessarily follow, but I imagine that she may have felt a lot of pressure—self-imposed or otherwise—to keep upping the ante.

As you decide your course of action, consider if you're willing to give up the "adventure." Or is it intrinsic to your happiness? If forgoing spectator sex is going to bum you out, you should move on and find a more exhibitionistic lady. But if your boner depends more on the person than the cheering section, maybe try talking about it. Just don't get your hopes up—nowhere in the dating rulebook does it say that the decision to dump must be a unanimous one.

Q. Sorry Judy, but I've really gotta disagree with your response to Miki's question about the proper etiquette for dealing with unresponsive men (12/1). By advising women to "evaporate" when men don't call them—particularly after a one-night stand—you're basically giving the guy a free pass to go out and continue being an asshole. The correct thing to do is to call men on their actions and demand explanations. Only in this way is there any possibility of showing up this kind of thoughtless cowardice for what it is and maybe sparing our granddaughters some heartache.

—Kim

A. Admitting I'm wrong makes me a little nauseous. So for the sake of my health, I'm only going to cop to being a teensy bit mistaken in my advice to young Miki. First, let me point out your mistake (it'll make me feel better): I advised her not to take it personally when some mook she went on a date with—and did not sleep with—blew her off.

A one-night stand is, by definition, a once-in-a-lifetime event, and no follow-up phone call is required, unless agreed to by both parties upon sobering up. However, once you make the beast with two backs with someone you've been dating (i.e., been out with more than once), it is customary to call. To not do so is rude and renders all actions leading up to said schtupping suspect.

One of the many perks of being an advice professional is getting paid to tell other people what to do with their lives, while reserving the right to cast common sense aside when it comes to one's own life. Therefore, I confess that I have harangued several men who pulled the ol' fuck-and-dump on me. And while I am fairly sure they now believe me to be a deranged harridan, you're right—maybe they will think twice before pulling the same shady business on some other broad. o