A Rude Guide to a New You

Written by NY Press on . Posted in Posts.

How To Stop Worrying About the Economy and Quit Your Job For Real
Brooklynite Vince Lombardi may be credited with coining the phrase, "Winners never quit, and quitters never win," but all that says is that Lombardi never had a soul-sucking, ass-puckering, emotional-equilibrium-destroying job that forces you to question the ultimate wisdom of the panhandlers and their canned subway sob stories.

As we saw this past summer when Steven Slater exited his job as a Jet Blue flight attendant so grandly (with two beers in hand and a slide down the emergency exit onto the JFK runway), it can pay to quit in grand style. So when your epic hangover is the only thing that makes going into the office tolerable because the pounding drowns out the screaming of the Boss From Hell and your fantasies about going all Vlad The Impaler on your coworkers seem more real than whatever email you just typed: It’s time to quit.

Sure, you could give two weeks notice, pack up your desk and promise to stay in touch. But why would you? It’s the end of a decade, so make it the end of an era and quit your job with the kind of panache that will make that fake whiteboard girl look like an uncreative attention whore.

Take Your Notice And Shove It
Most people break out the bodily fluids after they’ve been bounceda former acquaintance of mine was once gifted with a bag of flaming poo outside his office door (it activated the sprinklers but didn’t mar the industrialgrade carpet) by a pissed-off staffer, and another friend recalled one reviewing security tapes to find out that the pee smell in the entraceway wasn’t a homeless person but a former female staffer who liked to demonstrate her ability to urinate standing up. But why wait? If you want to make your exit memorable and biohazardous, before you flip your boss the birdand instead of flipping him shityank that tampon out by its string and smack it on his screen. No one expects their employee’s menstrual blood to accompany her noticeand, even better, what future employer will ever believe it even if your boss blabs?

Get Off Before You Go Out
Telling your boss to fuck off is satisfying, but not nearly as satisfying as fucking well. One acquaintance of mine decided to combine the two and fucked his boss’ (in-house) mistress in the boss’ office from the end of (a very late) happy hour until the start of the morning shift. Nobody likes other people boning in one’s personal space, and there’s just something satisfying about being able to say, "I fucked him, now fuck you, too!" on your way out the door.

Parrot ‘Telephone’ On Repeat
Most companies don’t say, "Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya," without making you go through the dreaded exit interview where everyone is supposed to pretend that no one hates anyone and everything’s cool (just like at family holidays!). But when it’s not, why pretend? Sick of being sexually harassed? Know your boss is skimming on her company card? Sick of covering for his mistress? Hate your co-workers more than Giuliani hates ferrets? Make the HR person write it all down, then call the EEOC, call the IRS, call whomever might care about whatever sketchy shit was going down there. Nothing says, "I hate you" like an IRS audit. And if you’re (un)lucky enough to work for someone a news reporter cares about, well, as a reporter, I can guarantee we’d love you talk to you.

In the end, you can take your little petty revengessteal staplers, delete resumes for the people coming after you, re-route the boss’ mailbut all it does is make you look short-sighted and uncreative. For a job that sucked out your humanity, used your soul to wipe its ass and then let the boss’ dog dry-hump your final shreds of dignity, petty revenge is for amateurs. Go big or go homeor else, as a quitter, you really will never win.

How to Learn to Stop Worrying and Love that Four Loko

As 2010 draws to a close, it’s time to look back and try like hell to remember those nights when, under the guise of having a good time, you ended up making an ass of yourself in front of your friends and family. As you sip your holiday eggnog and toast your New Year’s champagne, pour a sip for our newly lost brother in good times: Four Loko.

Beginning its media life a few short months ago with a rash of Ramapo College students and their college-kid ways, Four Loko leapt into the national spotlight with all the subtlety of a Viking berserker. The new Power Hour or Rainbow Party, Four Loko was lurking behind the fridge, a boogeyman poised to snatch our children and make terrorists seem like Uncle Ben.

Suddenly everyone was talking about it. It was impossible to scan a blog or calmly watch Fox News without hearing about this scourge sweeping the nation. Frank Bruni held a private tasting, and Ed Lover featured the brew in an episode of "C’mon Son!" At a Connecticut Thanksgiving, a Marine, who was enjoying his first Loko, told me the ban is "just not American, damn it!" He stopped short of detailing how his buddies died facedown in the muck to protect our freedom to imbibe, but the implication was clear. Sure, you vomited all over your favorite hot tub, but really: what, is the price of freedom?

You think Teddy Roosevelt would have supported this ban? Hell no. He’d have been shotgunning it with Lyndon Johnson saving tortoises and shooting long-horn buffalo.

I mean, this shit is egalitarian. If you’re some highroller with $300, you can get an eight ball of blow and a few drinks at da club. But if you got five bucks, cop a couple cans of Four Loko and you have pretty much the same night.

There’s something absurd in seeing a few binge drinkers get headlines while the vast majority who enjoy Four Loko responsibly are relegated to the category of "exception." It’s a bad scene when personal decisions can be outlawed based on mass hysteria.

If we’re in the business of banning "dangerous" things, might I suggest a ban on left turns? Studies have shown that left turns are the most dangerous kind. But no: banning left turns is fucking ridiculous, because most people manage to pull of the simple task without killing themselves or anyone else.

As far as 2011 goes, recipes for bootleg Four Loko are popping up on YouTube. Combining Jolly Ranchers, 5-Hour Energy and OE doesn’t sound like terribly appetizing, but as my bro Carter said, "This is pretty much the only counterculture we’ve got."

How To Hold On To Your Bad HabitsWhile Everyone Else Makes Resolutions

Are you sick of hearing your friends say every year they are going to: quit smoking, quit drinking, quit spending money, stop dating bad boys or quit sleeping with strangers? Everyone has a person in her life who makes a million empty promises and then, by Jan. 3, she is drunk, buying rounds of drinks and sleeping with strange bad boys who have cigarettes.

Of course, if that person suddenly became a zipped up nun, she probably wouldn’t be your friend. So stop lying to yourself: Unless you have a serious drinking problem, you don’t need to pretend like you are going to give up alcohol. And as long you are not seriously hurting yourself or others with your vices, don’t feel so guilty about them! Your friends and loved ones probably love you for the "bad habit" sides of you anyways.

This year, instead of pretending like you are going to be a different person when you wake up in 2011, vow to hold on to these debaucherous inclinations, and let everyone else make (and break) resolutions. (If you have serious health problems, however, disregard this entirely.)

Keep Eating and Don’t Work Out
The girls who eat Pinkberry for dinner after two hours of hot yoga and spinning are not happy people. Don’t make it your goal to be them. Just stay fat and happy because nobody likes you when you’re skinny anyway.

Stay Mean
It’s funny when you yell random shit at people on the street. They deserve it (most of the time) and you just made everyone around you laugh. Being "nice" is overrated and, unless you are crying from regret on a regular basis, stay your nasty self.

Don’t be on Time
It is truly annoying when people are chronically late. However, it makes the organized, punctual, anal-retentive types feel better about themselves and their super-crazy OCD tendencies feels justified. On-time people need late people to feel better about themselves. Keep it up.

Spend Money
You can’t take your bank account to the afterlife, so spend while you’re still around to enjoy it. Massive credit card debt carriers aside, you don’t need to completely stop going out or spending money. Just live. It’s New York, it’s expensive but it’s fun as all hell.

How to Write Honest Thank-You Cards

Getting presents is fun! Writing thank-you notes sucks.

This dastardly December dichotomy plagues us all. Even if you actually like a gift, finding squeaky-clean tidbits to tell Great Aunt Millie is tough. Wouldn’t it be easier if you could just tell Grandpa Joe that you always will hate peanut brittle and, what’s more, he traumatized you as a child by painting whiskers on your baby-fresh cheeks? For once, actually give in to your honest impulses and tell your friends and relatives exactly what’s on your mind.

Veteran clinical psychologist, two-time congressional candidate and Radical Honesty spokesperson Brad Blanton pioneers the movement, which teaches that the source of all our depression, anxiety and related physiological issues are the "jail of our mind." The key to escaping this mental prison is honesty, plain and simple. The holidays are a great time to exorcise the lies from familial relationships. Blanton argues that starting a fight over the holidays fosters real forgiveness and intimacy: "Cuss mom out, cuss dad out, cuss your brother out, raise hell and let them get you back, holler and carry on a bit, and before[long] everybody will settle down and be in pretty good shape."

If you’ve missed the opportunity to brawl in front of the Christmas tree, a thank-you card is a lesser option. Blanton doesn’t believe empty symbolic gestures like writing cardsif he does subscribe to anything, it would be something like: "Merry Christmas. If you see Santa Claus, shoot him." But if you must send salutations and thanks, beware of the lies. "If you have a card and over-romanticize it, like most cards do, it’s usually just bullshit," according to Blanton. Make a mess for the last time this year and tell everyone exactly what you thought when you opened that fourth package of ugly underwear because, after the yelling dies down, it will bring everyone closer together.

How To Start a New Winter Tradition
Every year, my friend Steve hosts an awesome holiday get together at a low-key restaurant. Though I’ve known him for a long time, I don’t see Steve as often as I used to. In fact, when I go to his Seventh Annual Holiday Dinner this year, it will be the first time I’ve seen him since the sixth annual. Even though the dinners are more less made up of the same crew each, and we’re not all good friends, it’s so good to see them every year.

That is the thing about tradition. You need to be committed. To start a new tradition with friends, you don’t necessarily need a crazy idea. You just need to pick something, and keep doing it, and keep inviting the same people who are as equally committed to keeping with tradition as you.

Some holiday traditions are grandlike the fabulous New Year’s Day brunch my friend Melissa throws at her apartment every year. Others are more low-key, like the very boozy Mexican dinner at Tortilla Flats on which three of my girlfriends and I have come to rely. Whatever yours is (and here you’ll find some ideas below in case you don’t have one) just make sure you stick to it. Once it becomes something everyone depends on, then you know you will have a legacy on your hands.

Soup Party
Make a huge pot of soup and tell everyone to bring their own bowl and spoon. Everyone loves soup (and it’s easy to make). They tell their friends, and before you know it, you are the soup god (or goddess). Make it annual, monthly or even weekly.

Snowball Fight
Get a list of 150 emails ready to go (or use Facebook if you must), and on the first really snowy weekend, blast them all to meet at Central or Prospect parks. Follow up with hot toddies at a nearby bar.

Cookie-Decorating Party
Make a shit-ton of sugar cookies and offer gobs of frostings and toppings that your friends can decorate them with. Remind them to bring a tin so they can take their treats. Feeling crafty? Provide some you’ve decorated yourself.

How To Get Rid of Your Roommate
Know thy enemy; provoke altercation. Learn his buttons and press them. While some people prefer to lick the blood from their hands, others can’t bear to scrub off the bits that creep into the crevices. But if you have an intolerable person sharing your domicile, and need to get rid of him quick, here are some ways to have him proffering his resignation before the New Year begins.

Conspicuous Notes
You know that whiteboard and how much she hates those messages tallying the number of days her dishes have been in the sink? Keep tallying! Even after she does his dishes. Leaving a container of soap in the hallway or on her pillow as a reminder is a not-so-gentle nudge that may just push her over the edge.

Use Your Pet
Move the kitty litter into the kitchen. Take a vacation, take some time for yourself and let your furry feline fill the litter box with shit nuggets. And if you haven’t fixed her yet, wait. As for dogs: double the damage, half the effort.

Let Your Hair Collect
Let your little ones (and longer ones if you have them) bunch up real nice and then pull them out and leave the wad on his bar of soap. If he doesn’t use soapwhich his completely likely in this situationyou can always leave it perched atop the wastebasket, next to your bloody hygiene projects, where he can ponder it as he pinches one off.

Talk About Him Negatively To Your Friends
Polite time is over. It’s time to trash talk him with your friends as if he’s not therebut only when he is in the next room. The only commonality you share is an address, which won’t be for long if you let him know how much his artwork sucks.

Give Your Parents Keys
Tell Mom she can come by and stop in whenever she pleases. Ask her to help redecorate and tidy. You’ll need to have your locks changed once she’s out, but it’s totally worth it.

If All Else Fails, Fuck Him
That’s right. Have sex with your roommate. We all know you shouldn’t shit where you eat. But if you can convince him to get a hummer, it’s a sacrifice you may have to make. Then cook dinner and wait for him to return at night. Treat him as your boyfriend. Follow him around. Ask him about his day, who he was with and why. Either you’ll both fall madly in love and rent another, cheaper, apartment togetheror he’ll get the hell out.


Megan Carpentier, Corynne Steindler, Leslie Stonebraker, Nicholas Wells, Spencer Winans.