A Playlist for Baby Making

Written by Noah Wunsch on . Posted in Arts & Film, Music, NY Press Exclusive.


Awww yeah girl. It’s that special holiday. I’ma put that good music on, WHOOO! Yeah whoo. Aww whoo yeah mmm! That babymakin’ music, because baby. Baby. Baby, baby, baby, I wanna make a baby with you. Awww yeah. Aww baby mm yeah WHOO! HOO! WOW! Happy Valentine’s day lovers.

“I’ll Make Love to You,” by Boyz II Men: If you were born in 1995, congratulations you were made to this song. This is for that fire side baby making. Your chosen clothier of silk should be the blanket underneath the two of you as you whisper things like, “You’re super cute,” and “I like you,” in your lady’s ear. If you wanna spice things up a bit, tell her that she makes you feel, “uneasy.” Aw damn.


“All My Life,” by Kci & JoJo: I’m not sure why, but I feel like this is for that pool side babymaking. Not underwater! That’ll come later. Don’t jump the gun. Light some candles around the pool in your backyard in… Manhattan… Uhhh… and Take off your slippers. Yeah that’s right, silk slippers.


“Touch My Body,” by Mariah Carrey: Ladies you gotta take over on this jam. This is that full-on white room babymaking music. You need to rent a studio and replace all the soft lights in the room with really harsh glaring fluorescent lights, because there’s nothing sexier than insecure baby making. “Why are you looking at my chin? The pimples not that big…” Drape silk sheets from the ceiling for full affect. BUT MAKE SURE THEY’RE WHITE!

“Haven’t Met You Yet,” by Michael Buble: This is for that super gross just over middle-aged babymaking. Chances are you’re divorced by this time, so you’ll be playing this for your new Valentine. Cook dinner, and then dance to this song, press your body into hers, so she can feel your silk blazer against her bodice, and tell her, “I think I just met you…” Boom. Baby made. Your welcome.

“I Want To Have Your Baby,” by Team Facelift: Ahhh grungy LA hipster babymakers are losing their shit to this song. I can’t really set the scene for this one, I have no idea what those freaks are into. Just remember to wear some kind of silk… It’s Valentines.

“Too Close,” by Next: If you’re in a club, you needa take your girl into the bathroom for some private stall babymaking ACTION. Let the flushes from every stall orchestrate the rocking of your bodies. Make sure you don’t leave your silk drawers behind, you’re gonna need those for next year.

“Put It In My Mouth,” by Akinyele: This s for chocolate lovers world round. Ain’t no better way to get your lover in the mood than eating a little chocolate before babymaking, and there’s no question that’s what Akinyele is talking about when she sings put it in my mouth. It’s chocolate. It’s totally chocolate. Silk blindfold is ideal, tempt them with those delicious “chocolates.”

“Feelin’ On Yo Booty,” by R. Kelly: This takes a certain babymaking sensibility. This is for the boudoir. You’re going to need this track cued up on your stereo. Give your lady a nice full body rub down. When you’re ready to take it to the next step, start massaging her rear. If you linger there more than a minute she’s gonna ask you what exactly you’re doing. That’s when you click PLAY on the stereo and let R. Kelly explain your hearts desire. Silk shirt is a must for this.

“Peaches ‘N Cream,” by 112: Clear that kitchen table off, it’s about to get some babymaking served on it. This is an upbeat song so make sure you’re wearing your silk head sweatband. You’re gonna need it.


“Climax Instructions,” by RydazNrTISt: You needa be a woodworker for this song to be playing, and I don’t mean that in the dirty way. You literally need to be a carpenter or something, because otherwise the irony of this song will be lost on your fellow babymaker. Draw up a blueprint plan and give it to your lover. Tell her, “These are my climax instructions,” and then let your silk tool belt fall to the floor.


Git it goin’ babymakers round the world. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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