It happens to the best of us. You get dumped. Suddenly New York City seems so big, so lonely, so full of seedy “gentlemen” just waiting for their chance to sniper your heart and leave you bent and broken. It either has happened to you or it will happen to you, so gather round girls, and let momma Kat give you some advice. This is the survival guide you’re going to need when some asshole stabs you in the chest right where your heart is and spits into the wound. What I’m about to tell you is based on my own experience and a careful but perfect combination of rational ideas tempered with some pure, crazy abandon.
1. Shop On Etsy
You should incessantly trawl Etsy, sending your roommate link after crafty link to weird, wonderful, completely useless shit like this dinosaur planter. “I feel like shopping on Etsy is a really depressed girl thing to do,” my ultra-sensitive roommate finally said to me. So far I have purchased a dinosaur planter, embroidered Katy Perry and Beyonce pillows and some little ceramic pears that say “I Love You” on them. Etsy is basically all the stuff you never knew you needed (or even knew existed), but that is somehow completely essential to heal your broken heart.
2. Shop Generally
You need to purchase at least six new dresses that you can’t afford. You also need to spend a month’s rent on sunglasses. Max out all your credit cards. You’ll be paying for it later but it’s going to make you feel so good when you look like a damn fine hot piece of ass every time you leave the house. It might sound shallow but it’s an undeniable truth that a fancy new pair of heels can instantly restore all your self worth. Ergo, self worth from shoes = good; self worth from men = bad. Money comes and goes, but you’re only gorgeous and heartbroken for so long, you might as well make the most of it.
3. Interior Decorating
I bought a princess bed and eleventy-billion plants, and everyday I’m hatching plans to better my home. It’s therapeutic AND productive. Especially when you invite an attractive male friend over to drill stuff; just stand back and watch the manly. And while it has crossed my mind that one day when I’m not heartbroken anymore I’m going to look around my house and everything will remind me of That One Time When I Got Dumped, I’m also confident that if I play Katy Perry loud enough and jump up and down on my princess bed I’ll be like, “I don’t give a fuck cos I gotta princess bed, weeeeee!”
4.Girls Gone Wild (Male Models Optional)
My mother has always taught me the importance of gal pals and I didn’t believe her when we were all 16 and permanently PMSing, but now that I’m in my mid (OK, late) 20s it turns out that she was completely right all along and Girls Rule, Boys Drool. Get your gals together, get dressed up, ingest all sorts of things that are bad for you. You may or may not want to eventually team up with some male models for an after party and dance around to Journey, but that is optional.
5. Hermit Crabs
It’s New York so chances are you live in a shoebox, but moreover, it’s incredibly irresponsible to get a puppy when you’re this emotionally vulnerable. But you do need something living to love that is NOT a boy. I chose hermit crabs because they’re low maintenance, you can still play with them and BONUS you can paint their shells with pink glitter and give them names like Katy Perry and Beyonce.
My bestie told me to get a hobby, so I bought some silicone molding to make molds of my body parts which will soon be candles. When you’re fucking up silicone molding and screeching in the kitchen trying to mix it right, the last thing you’re going to be thinking about is a broken heart. And when you finally get it right, you’ll feel very proud of yourself which takes us back to the (slightly adapted) point I made in number 2: “Ergo, self worth from craft = good; self worth from men = bad.”
7. Organized Clubs
Google documents are fun and time consuming, so is being a soccer mom. An active mind heals a broken heart, so get clubbing. So far I have started a book club, a poker night, a netball team and a witchcraft club (“light as a feather stiff as a board” anyone?).
8. Get Moving
Please, don’t develop an eating disorder or anything, but start eating healthy and exercising. You’ll feel great physically, which will make you feel better emotionally, and you’ll also get a banging bod which, if scientific equations by women’s magazines and Kate Moss are correct, will boost your self esteem by at least 247. Also, exercise promotes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t kill their ex boyfriends.
9. Pretend vigilantism
You’re probably thinking of bloody murder right now (unless you’ve been on the treadmill, see above), but we’ve all seen Law & Order. Not only is it wrong, you will get caught, even if you wear gloves. Sit around with your girlfriends instead and convince yourselves you’re going to egg his house. Talk tactics and discuss how many cartons of eggs you’ll need. Really, truly believe that you are going to do this. Then don’t. The trick is in believing that you will.
I don’t mean a quiet tear in private that makes you look super adorable. I mean, “Someone Like You” blasting, empty bottle of red wine, guttural sobbing. To the point your friend has to sedate you with Valium and drag you into bed at 3am while you scream, “But why doesn’t he love me?” at her. It’s cathartic–you’ll wake up in the morning feeling like a brand new person.
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