A Gal Can Dream...of a Van Halen Reunion

Give me a Van Halen reunion, 'cause if I'm bereft for much longer, I'll start paying heed to the New Seriousness and drag my Simply Red albums out of the garage. I'll start believing that Springsteen really is the one true voice for our times. I'll never truly give up my faith, but I've spent the dry spell since the release of 1984 memorizing, discussing and playing every single nuance of every single VH song, from Eddie's headstock tickle at the top of the burnout manifesto "Runnin' with the Devil" to the bottom of the bitter (and so underrated!) "House of Pain." I won't even bother mentioning all the juice I've squeezed into the examination of bootlegs, live set lists, photos, fansites or album cover art. No matter how glorious the chemistry: one Jewish kid who wanted to be Marilyn Monroe plus three savants who just wanted to be bigger than Sabbath?so cool, so heavy, so sophisticated, so ebullient was Van Halen; but yeah, as far as the six original "classic" VH albums go, I'm just about all talked out.

Talked out to the degree that Van Halen's re-formation is less like a "reunion" (the word reeks of geriatric rock and mended relationships, and neither is the case with VH) and more like a date with destiny.

Van Halen brass continues to release half-assed little droppings of great news?on Nov. 18 it was splayed on Van Halen News Desk.net that, according to a credible source, VH bassist Michael Anthony said in conversation that "Dave is going to [sing] this time, we are recording now...we did a couple of songs then the lawyers found out and everything stopped." But then, hours later, Anthony's statements were quickly soft-pedaled, and then denied two days later (via his Webmaster). As of this writing, there still hasn't been an "official announcement" from Van Halen.

Rock has really ceased to be a laughing matter. For anyone involved, but especially for the rock musicians. And if they're not laughing, I ain't buying. One good giggle in a song is worth 1000 "See why I'm not a poser?" comments. Dave cracks up eloquently during the a cappella part of "Bottoms Up!," a track off the brief mash of outtakes that would comprise the set list of Van Halen II, one of the slightest, most masterful followup albums in rock history. Ween's entire catalog revolves around the giggle. If there wasn't a muffled laugh at the beginning of Zep's "Whole Lotta Love," that band would have sucked worse than it already did. Elvis giggles, embarrassed, almost frightened, over the line "darky night" in "Trying to Get to You."

Now, y'all can grandstand, do specials in undisclosed locations and drop food on orphans' huts, but if, no, when Van Halen reforms?and it doesn't matter if the dudes are chemo-riddled, fat and/or rugged?they're gonna be dropping a million one-dollar bills from the rafters of Nassau Coliseum, blasting through a sloppy take on "Little Guitars" and I'll be all over the first 20 rows, spraying Silly String, flashing my dugs to the drum tech and screaming along with the rest of my loser friends.

Naturally, the only one embroiled in the reunion miasma who's currently having a laugh is David Lee Roth. As the one band member who had enough genius to look stupid and righteous at both the height of VH's rule and while he was being clumsily kicked out of the band, he still comes off as bright, stoked and coked while his estranged bandmates are toiling monosyllabically at lame techie industry events, retracting statements and swatting away rumors of the inevitable. On Nov. 13, Dave was interviewed by WMMR in Philadelphia before a gig at the Spectrum, and the interview was transcribed on the VHND.net site. Dave was in his usual form. "Music today is, uh, a Korean kid with a Jewish girl on the back of an Italian scooter listening to rave punk. Wearing a classic t-shirt and headed for the, uh. Ya know, the Buddhist chant whatever," Dave said. It sounds like he needs a Van Halen tour as well.

As far as the re-formation is concerned, Dave free-associated that "[t]here is no album that's recorded in the can, but I did a few songs with the fellas about 18 months ago, which is metric for a year and a half, and the songs were stellar, the music was superb. We haven't had any real contact with each other there because we don't like each other...and that makes for some very colorful sparks, all right, you don't hire us to be the family, this is not the Partridges here all right, and when you have worlds colliding, you have combustible, retina busting, mind roasting music, OK?"

Oh Dave, I know it. Later, you went on to play a fine show at the Spectrum, I'm sure. Flanked by a crew of capable backing musicians who worship you. But you're never as funny or as flammable as you are when you're ad-libbing Van Halen lyrics in front of a sunburned crowd while girls wearing doeskin pants and retainers are staggering onstage, pulling down your spandex pants as Eddie, frowning, resenting you, uses a blowdryer in place of a guitar pick. And Van Halen was getting paid a million in 1983 dollars for 120 minutes of doing what came naturally. Everyone is moments away from packing it in, but no one knows how. Dave's inches from extinction and you've got maybe two years before the lighting rigs will illuminate your scalp, and not the nimbus of outrageous alpha-male frontman hair that made every wannabe go crying to his VH coke mirror every time you shook your head. Of all people involved, Dave knows best that time is short. "While our clothing is still in style hopefully! While we're all young and good looking, huh homeboy!" Dave yells at his radio interviewer. Female Van Halen fans of a certain age will now look down at their dugs and wonder how they'll roll them into the bikini tops that will be standard wear for all females in attendance at the concerts.

It's time for me to cue up Fair Warning. Van Halen's darkest, funkiest album. Recorded when this band really started to have problems. I can't listen to the spastic fade-in that begins this record without frying my brain. Without hoping for the inevitable. Hoping for the inevitable. That doesn't make sense, unless you're a Van Halen fan.