A Fantastically Large Expo of Fine Art and Antiques at the Garden; Kiki & Herb Welcome Xmas with There's a Stranger in the Manger; Knuckleheads, Celebrate Handbook of Phrenology; A Festival for Nutty Django, Best European Jazz Musician Ever

How does this happen? Well, as you may or may not know, the preferred venues for fine art expos in Manhattan are two of our armories, located on Lexington Ave. at 26th St. and Park Ave. on 67th St. Now that these armories house, you know, actual members of the Army, expositions from the Wendy's Antiques Show to the International Art and Design Fair have been canceled. That leaves only the New York International Antiquarian Fine Art Fair, run by one Dr. Jerome M. Eisenberg, to pick up the slack and satisfy the international art community from Nov. 29 to Dec. 4.

"It's a two-million-dollar gamble," says Dr. Eisenberg. "We got Madison Square Garden before Sept. 11, and now we find ourselves in this position of being the only fair in town." Fifty of the world's leading art dealers are bringing in their wares from France, Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Argentina and England.

"Everything is up for sale. Not auction, sale," Dr. Eisenberg explains, "except for my own personal collection, which will be on display as '5000 Years of Animals in Art.'" Dr. Eisenberg started collecting antiquarian coins when he was 12; he now heads up the Royal-Athena Galleries in Manhattan and his collection includes ancient Pegasus and Chimera figures, vases with owls on them and little bronze people riding rams, goats, stags, camels, elephants, dolphins and eagles.

Will the Art Fair have only snooty people come to look at Renoir's painting of a young girl with flame-colored hair? ("Probably our most prized item," says Dr. Eisenberg. "People go nuts for Renoir.") An emphatic no! The art starts at a couple hundred dollars, and with admission at $15 per day, there are sure to be college kids doing reports or just wandering around buzzed checking out Swiss three-piece costumes from the 1750s.

The Fair's Vernissage, or "opening party," is another matter. It is for snooty art people and tickets are $300 per couple at 5 p.m. and $150 per couple at 7 p.m. The Vernissage benefits Channel 13; it takes place at Madison Square Garden Expo Center (8th Ave. at 33rd St., 465-6741) this Thursday. The rest of the fair runs from 11 a.m.-7 p.m. daily through Tuesday. And, understandably, if you pay for the Vernissage, you get free admission for the duration of the expo.

?Cult cabaret stars Kiki & Herb have a Vernissage too, this Thursday at the Westbeth Theater, as they bring their holiday show There's a Stranger in the Manger to rabid audiences after a week of previews. Kiki & Herb consist of two guys: one in drag, "Kiki," who looks like the mother from Married...with Children, the other not in drag, "Herb," who looks like the frontman for a Russian NSYNC. Kiki sings; Herb handles instrumentation; the group performs cabaret versions of indie rock and its claim to fame is mating "Smells Like Teen Spirit" with "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

"We were doing 'Teen Spirit' and [Herb] started the introduction," says Kiki, aka Justin Bond. "And I just heard Rudolph somewhere and decided I'd better start singing about him." If you think about it, the two melodies fit nicely together; that track is on Kiki & Herb's holiday CD Do You Hear What We Hear.

Kiki is understandably excited about this year's offerings. "We have a great new song that was written for us by Stephin Merritt from Magnetic Fields called 'Have You Seen It in the Snow?' It's about New York City aprés the drop, a beautiful kind of post-Armageddon, look-around-and-see-that-the-city's-still-standing type of song? We also cover 'The Bends' this show, and Kate Bush."

Kiki & Herb post a real challenge to the accepted notion that cabaret has to suck. They're smart and quick, and while Herb stays solid as a rock during songs by Tori Amos, Pink Floyd and the Ramones, Kiki relates a truly warped biography. There's a Stranger in the Manger plays at the Westbeth Theater (151 Bank St., betw. Washington & West Sts., 741-0391) every week, from Tuesday-Saturday, at 8:30 p.m. through Dec. 31; tickets are unfortunately $30 ($35 weekends), but hey?class costs cash.

?Continuing in that highfalutin vein, a reception to celebrate the just-published Handbook of Phrenology takes place this Friday in Soho. Phrenology is, of course, the study of bumps on people's heads and how they dictate various character traits. It originated in the mid-1790s in Austria and, although proven to be junk science from the get-go, it has had a strange hold over pseudo-intellectuals and hipsters for the last 200 years.

The Handbook of Phrenology is an art book by critic Albert Mobilio and scientific artist Hilary Lorenz. Its stark pages combine Mobilio's text ("[Continuity] is largely developed in the German head. Its only moderate development in Americans?accounts for the superficial nature of [their] literature") and Lorenz's exquisite old-style etchings. With uncut pages and a classy black cover, the finished product looks something like the booklet of Pearl Jam's Vitalogy.

This Friday, Hilary Lorenz's etchings go on view at Locus Media (594 B'way, Ste. 1010, betw. Prince & Houston Sts., 334-6424). That coincides with the Handbook of Phrenology party, which runs from 6 to 8 p.m. and is quite free. The Lorenz exhibit continues until Dec. 28 with readings by Albert Mobilio on Dec. 7 and 12; phrenology continues well into the next century, I'm sure.

?Man, the class just continues to flow this weekend as a Django Reinhardt festival plays at Birdland. If you're totally clueless, Django Reinhardt was the best jazz musician ever to come out of Europe, a gypsy and all-around nut guitarist who emerged in the 30s with his Quintet of the Hot Club of France and went on to play some of the most amazing solos in history?especially considering that two of his fingers were turned into shriveled stubs by a 1928 caravan fire.

The tribute to Django started on Tuesday and lasts through Sunday, with performers like French gypsy brothers Boulou & Elios Ferre (they "interpret the music of Django as true gypsies," according to a Birdland representative) and 21-year-old Norwegian violin sensation Ola Kvernberg dropping by. As good a night as any to go is Saturday, when worthy Django devotee performers include violinist Florin Niculescu, guitarist Angelo Debarre, pianist John Burr and homegrown jazz guitarist extraordinaire Frank Vignola (well, he was homegrown on Long Island).

Details are available at 581-3080, but be careful: the staff is snippy at Birdland (315 W. 44th St., betw. 8th & 9th Aves.). The show starts at 9 p.m. on Saturday and costs $30, which includes nothing (if you're not sitting at the bar, there is a $10 food/drink minimum per person at your table). Don't be fooled by the fact that Absolut Vodka is sponsoring this festival, by the way. I made the mistake of asking if there was an open bar and almost got hung up on?"Sir, we do not have open bars at Birdland." Class costs cash.