8 Million Stories: Putting Up With Crepe
"ILL HAVE THE poached tuna, a customer says. The poached tuna salad sandwich? I ask.
Yes. Thats not very good, you shouldnt have that.
I say things that are inappropriate, and when I dont its usually because Im saving it for later.
Are you being funny? Its not a strong dish. What comes in the sandwich is a deli-style spread with mayonnaise and canned tuna. Also, the chef is really mean. If the dish gets returned hell scream at me. The middleaged customer drops her jaw and I can tell its not in anticipation of the food. Im being funny about the last part, I lie.
What do you recommend? her husband asks.
The moules frites, mussels and French fries, are good. I also like the croquemonsieura ham and Gruyere sandwich, I say and point to the items on the menu.
Ill have the kroak-merseur, he says. What? The kroak-merseur.
The croque-monsieur, I repeat. Where are you from? France. Do you speak French?
Zagat's has the restaurants rating right.
It is not high. But the listing (under French restaurant) is wrong. Sure, the dining room comes with figurine roosters and faux old-world mirrors. The brunch menu reads Le Brunch. But there isnt much of anything French about the place other than high drama, a couple of stinky cheeses and myself. If the theme is French, the kitchen is Mexican and Ecuadorian. A burrito passes for a crpe and a crme brlée may contain cinnamon. Cheap foods are transformed into je ne sais quoi in Times Square.
This establishment caters to jet-lagged tourists. And if theres something Ive learned, its that even a jet-lagged tourist will return a dish. That, of course, does not fly in the kitchen. When a dish gets returned, you have to talk to the chef. Only no one talks to the chef. This is an ontological truth, just like margarine does not taste like butter, American Swiss cheese does not taste like Gruyere and a burrito is not a crpe.
Because no one talks to the chef, servers will occasionally eat it, both literally and figuratively. La Onion Soup, a sweet, corn-syrup tasting brew and a favorite to return among customers, is costing me money. To avoid the $9 setback, I make sure no French people order it on my watch. When it comes to La Onion Soup, only Japanese tourists and Southern Baptist families are a safe bet.
The brunch menu reads Le Brunch. But there isnt much of anything French about the place other than high drama, a couple of stinky cheeses and myself.
Recently during lunch, a friendly woman in a lavender blouse asked about the beef and jalapeño crrrap of the day. I could have said that wed run out. But instead, I just said something awkward.
I dont like it. I grew up near Brittany, where I ate a lot of crpes. I guess Im used to crpes being made a certain way. But Americans seem to like that crpe.
I cant believe youre being so honest, she said and then ordered the beef and jalapeño crpe anyway. She said she liked it and I suspect that she, too, was being honest. Retrospectively I realize I should have given her a break. Anyone who thinks of ordering a south-of-the-border crpe from a menu filled with misspellings in both English and French is likely to have an accommodating palate.
After the rush, I like to peek in the kitchen. So many knives, so little space. Another server told me that the fierce-faced chef with a cherubim name, Avelino, is a really nice guy outside of work. Standing there, taking in the smoky tableau of men in white, Im thinking that perhaps madness comes with the territory. If youre the craziest, others know better than to mess with you. This could mean a great deal in a tight space where testosterone mingles with lecherous flames, sizzling oil, bubbly snails and the scent of tarragon. I am smiling beatifically, considering all this, when the chef says to me, What do you want? Because no one talks to the chef, I dont say a thing.
Avelino sets out a pale chicken crpe in the pick-up window. He looks at me. Dont make mistake, you make mistake, you pay for it, he yells. I dont say a word. I dont tell the madman a thing. I dont comment on the oily jus that leaks from the crpe. I dont lecture him about a crpes integritythat it should stick together, be nutty or gooey, but never stewy. I dont tell him that in my opinion, when it comes to beef and jalapeño, the starchy quality of the tortilla makes it a better fit than its eggy cousin. But I do believe that when it comes to beans, corn and stews, burritos are more forgiving than crpes.