$70 at Babeland, 94 Rivington St. (at Ludlow St.), 212-375-1701
No matter what you think of the finally released Chinese Democracy, it will make you cum—your Naughtinano will make sure of it. The sleek, plastic, vibrating phallus comes in four distinct colors, but it will leave you pink with pleasure. Connecting easily to iPods, computers and stereos (basically anything with a headphone jack) the pulse of the Naughtinano vibes to the beat of your own drum, allowing you to explore your Axl Rose inspired desire without having to, you know, actually touch him. Play fun games like Guess That Song with a mate, fantasize about a rock god or imagine your drunken pussy singing along to the beat of Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls.” This is one electronic device everyone will want to find under her Hanukkah bush this year.
A Round of Drinks
Prices vary at www.buyyourfriendadrink.com
The best part about this gift all boils down to a basic principle of economics: Sunk cost. Because you’re going to get conned into buying a round of drinks for your friends anyway, do it under the guise of a gift for the holidays. Using this website, you can choose from dozens of local bars—from beloved local haunts like the Brazen Head in Brooklyn Heights to douche magnets like Libation on the LES—and buy your pals drinks without actually having to go out with them. Try picking some off-the-beaten-path bars that your buddies never frequent—Midtown! It’s hilarious!—or research places with drink specials to stretch that dollar. It’s particularly heartwarming if you’re one of those abominable freeloaders that never picks up the tab. And if you do join them, don’t forget to make a big toast about gift giving lest those friends of yours pass this off as just your everyday, run-of-the-mill round of drinks on your dollar.
The Power of Negative Thinking
$57.99 at Other Music, 15 E. 4th St. (betw. Broadway & Lafayette St.), 212-477-8150
For anyone who has to go home during the holidays, a certain regression to teen angst is natural. Even after years away from the parents, something about sleeping in what used to be your bedroom while old folks tell you what you do inspires secret smoking, excessive drinking and the desire to write on the rubber of one’s Chuck Taylors. So what better gift than the recently released boxed set of the Jesus and Mary Chain’s B-sides and rarities? The dark, sullen sounds of the brothers Reid is perfect sulking music—especially when Mom makes you take the minivan to the store to pick up more wrapping paper.
Breaking the Bank
Alfred Hitchcock Premiere Collection, $129.98 at Best Buy, 622 Broadway (betw. E. Houston & Bleecker Sts.), 212- 673-4067
While we fully appreciate the startling-ambush method perfected in modern film—who can forget the victims’ faces in The Ring, or that grisly guy behind the diner in Mulholland Drive?—we’re becoming a little worried for our heart health. Who else can we turn to but the guy who mastered the slow swell of creepiness and who made the sumptuous feeling last 90 minutes. This autumn has brought us the Alfred Hitchcock Premiere Collection: eight of the director’s best movies in one set. Instead of Psycho and Birds, we get Lifeboat and The Lodger. If you prefer torture porn, though, we hear Saw VI is coming out next year.
Threadless 12-month T-Shirt Club
$200 at threadless.com
When it comes to visual design you can wear on your chest, Threadless.com has the market cornered. The only problem is that once you find a good graphic T-shirt, odds are somebody in your ‘hood has made the same choice. That’s why the Threadless 12-month T-shirt club is a neat gift—each month a new, limited-edition shirt will be delivered to your door. Look cool and lend a hand to some scrappy young designers? You can’t go wrong. Oh, and ladies, allow the benefit of the doubt to the guy scrutinizing your chest. That might be critical contemplation, not an imaginary mouthful, that’s occupying his mind.
The Wire: The Complete Series
$249.99 at Virgin Megastore, 52 E. 14th St. (betw. 4th Ave. & Broadway), 212-598-4666
Often times, buying a complete series on DVD is a sign that you’re way too hung up on television. In the case of The Wire, however, there is an argument to be made. Either you’re a fan of the show and won’t shut the fuck up about it or you’re one of those people who smiles politely when everyone else gushes because you’re too cheap to pay for HBO. The bottom line, however, is everybody slept on the first few seasons and could use a refresher; this is one of those gifts that makes its recipient instantly more popular, attractive and interesting.
Retro Tea Party Set
$150 at RePop, 68 Washington Ave. (betw. Park & Flushing Aves.), Brooklyn, 718- 260-8032
If you or any of the people on your Christmas list are the type to have their poodles don designer duds (or have a compulsive urge to purchase anything absurdly expensive regardless of its use) stop by RePop to do some holiday shopping. This little thrift-slash-junk shop near the Brooklyn Navy Yard has loads of antique items at rummage sale prices. But, if you’re willing to spend a couple of extra pesos this year, we recommend the 21-piece retro tea party set. Just tell your friend that it’s vintage (and 95 percent recycle for those eco-kooks) and she’ll love it—even if she doesn’t drink tea.