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SIGN LANGUAGE

By Caeriel

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Scientists  have discovered that the universe is empty. Matter—no matter how solid it feels to us—is actually mostly empty space. Not to get all Matrix-y on you, but this seems to imply that it’s possible that life is merely an insanely complex simulation or game. World of Warcraft or Second Life, multiplied by a trillion. I think you’d benefit from considering my theory, because you’re taking life just a bit too seriously. Perhaps thinking of it as a kind of game (one that you could start over, if you like) might help you relax so you can do what you’ve got to do. Try that this week.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Among my friends, the ones who take it easy actually party more than the ones who consider themselves hardcore. These moderate partiers manage to go out a few nights a week for several hours each time, calling it a night before things get too crazy. The hardcore ones stay up all night, and the next day is spent recovering. The take-it-easy crowd ends up putting in 15 hours a week living it up, while the hardcore ones do 8-12 (and only remember 5). I know you crave intensity and a variety of experiences, but might it be possible that your route to maximum intensity and variety is the moderate one, at least right now?


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Dramatically restricting rats’ diets has extended their lives. People are trying it, too. It wouldn’t be such a terrible idea if it weren’t such a hardship (it requires true obsession and deprivation), and if it protected you from other things that might kill you (like drunk drivers, AIDS or Lou Gehrig’s disease). But sometimes the cure is worse than the ailment. I’d suggest to the calorie-restriction crowd that living well for 70 years might be better than starving for 100. Could that be the case for you as well? This week, consider the possibility that your problem is easier (and more pleasurable) to live with than its solution.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Like you, I’m not especially shy. If I’m interested in someone, I have no problem expressing it. My occasional problem, conversely, is taking an interest in anyone at all. That’s right, I can be a bit of a snob. Don’t sneer, you can be, too. Call it having standards, if you want. There’s nothing wrong with that, only that your standards are too narrow. You should hold out for great people and fill your life with them. However, your concept of what is great has dramatically limited the kind of people you let into your life, to your own detriment. Revise your definition, fast.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Because you feel everything so intensely, you put up a barrier between yourself and the world. Consequently, those who you let in get a completely different version of you than those stuck outside, who often mistakenly consider you a bit shy and cold. It’d be sad if they walked away based on that inaccurate assumption. They’d be interested in the real you, if only they could see it (what they do see doesn’t intrigue them at all.) I’m not suggesting you remove your protective shell entirely—but this week, a revealing crack or chink might be in order.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You go out of your way to avoid playing emotional games. I admire your desire to be direct and candid. Sometimes, however, a little song and dance before you cut to the chase might be a good idea. Flirtation and romance thrive on mystery, after all. It may be refreshing when someone lays their cards on the table, but it’s not terribly romantic. Don’t start lying, though. I’m simply suggesting that exercising your powerful honesty isn’t always your best option. Sometimes—like this week—just keeping your mouth shut is the best thing you can do.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I have a friend in his late 20s who’s still never had a drop of alcohol or taken drugs not prescribed by a doctor. I subscribe to a different school of thought, one that values experience. But I still wouldn’t suggest he take up drinking or doping now, just as I wouldn’t tell a 30-year-old virgin to just hook up with a stranger and get it over with. Once you’ve invested that much time in something—no matter how pointless it may seem now—it would be a shame to just blow it. You may be ready to move on with a big change. Don’t screw it up by failing to value where you’ve already been. If you’re a granny virgin, don’t just hook up with the first person who will have you. Hold out a little longer, and do the damn thing right.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
No other sign is quite as marriage oriented as you, Libra. You’re the sign of partnership, after all. But it might not be quite the right time in your life to get hitched. There are other options, of course. I just went to a fake wedding party last night where everyone wore mock-up versions of the outfits they might wear to their actual weddings (there were a lot of tiaras). It was good fun, and it made me think of you; playing at marriage right now might be a blast (a lot more fun, actually, than the real thing would be). In fact, this would be a good week to do a test run for whatever you’re thinking of taking on in the near future. You might find out you hate (or love) it.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I live on the top floor of my elevator-less building. When I get a package delivered, the guy who drops it off always gives me attitude, dramatically huffing and puffing as he comes up the steps and otherwise complaining about—you know—having to do his job. I feel for the guy, I do, but only to a point. It is, after all, what he signed up for when he filled out the job application and committed to delivering packages for a living. You’re getting exactly what you signed on for, too. You could’ve seen that this would happen, before. Don’t bitch about it.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Everything has a season and all that. One of my friends contends that one of the most significant facets of life is timing, and it’s also the least controllable. A farmer wouldn’t usually consider sowing her field during an ice storm. Nor should you venture out in such metaphorically inclement weather. Doing what you want to do now would be just as impossible as turning soil while being pelted with fist-sized chunks of ice. In general, I believe in making your own moments, especially when there’s something unpleasant that you nevertheless must do. But in this case, waiting a while—at least until this storm has passed, for example—might be the best call.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This is a good week to indulge in simple animal pleasures. I’m not suggesting you spend your evenings picking nits our of your most hirsute friend’s back hair, but that you relax and enjoy a glass of wine, a chocolate brownie, a hot bath, some wintry cuddling—that kind of thing. Don’t overthink things. Keeping it simple is the name of the game this week, as is the pursuit of pleasures that are easily attainable (with win-wins for all involved). Here’s a hint: If your dream or goal involves more than two or three steps or takes longer than a day to set up, you’re probably trying too hard.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I’m guessing you were a salmon in your past life, considering how powerful your urge to swim upstream is. Driving the wrong way up a one-way street, however, is not really the best plan you could come up with, as exciting as it may be for a minute or two. I’m not suggesting you simply go with the flow. Not you. But finding a way to head in the direction you wish without risking a million head-on collisions is your main goal this week. Perhaps you could try hopping out of the stream entirely? 
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