By Dr. Dot
drdot@drdot.com
www.puredrdot.com

I am madly in love with my fiancee. We have known each other for five years but been together for one. Before she was with me, she was with a woman. Now that we are engaged, I couldn’t be happier and have accepted her past but I believe she may have an attraction toward women. I have heard that most women have some sort of attraction toward other women. She admits she loves boobs, and I don’t think it bothers me, but I just don’t know if she still has or will ever have lesbian tendencies. I have no doubt of her sexual attraction toward me, I just don’t know if she thinks about women as well and if it is normal. 

—Suspicious Steve

Could it be you both have a lot in common? We all know men think about other women too. It’s completely natural that humans lust after more than one person. She just prefers to lust after other females. Would you prefer she fantasize about other men? If it isn’t interrupting your relationship, let it slide. As far as what she “thinks about other women,” well, you may never know. Let’s face it, the female body is a beautiful thing so can you blame her? I love women, have been with a few and am sure I am not a lesbian. Just because she’s dabbled with dikes doesn’t mean she is hooked. Don’t verbalize your concern for her hobby—it will just drive her away. Hey, it may even add to your sex life when you imagine her licking another woman head to toe.

I am a 32-year-old guy  and have been dating a 34-year-old woman for just over a year, and we have a good relationship, minus our sex life. Early in the relationship,‑she found an online blog of a sexual nature that I created while single. She got very upset, and I got rid of it. I figured that no online fun was worth ruining a good real life relationship. We seemed to get past it, and I hoped this would be the end of it. But ever since then, our sex life has been inconsistent. I was disappointed with her reaction to my naughtiness (hoping she’d be excited by it rather than offended).‑Besides that,‑anytime she acts upset toward me, it always seems to be that the wrong girl said hello to me in public or that she went on my computer and found fault with some website I looked at or pictures‑I saved.

She says if it were just random porn, it would be one thing, but I have maintained friendships with people I used to blog with who were exhibitionists as well, I saved pictures they shared with me, I have friends who are dominatrixes and nude models, and I told her about all this after the blogging fiasco. 

I’ve told her that I am just into porn and that it doesn’t mean I want anyone other than her, but she still takes it very personally. 

I don’t like that she keeps poking around my web history and files, and I feel like I should not have to defend what I do in private as long as I am not cheating on her. She says she trusts me and knows men like to look, but she still gets upset that I look at pictures of other women. 

I don’t do it in front of her, and I have even toned down my usually flirtatious nature to try and be respectful of her, but nothing seems to work. I don’t want to upset her, but as long as I am not cyber sexing anyone or cheating on her, I feel I have a right to indulge my wild side. 

Am I being insensitive here, or is she being too suspicious? Is she right to enforce limits on what porn I look at? She is extremely loving, supportive and treats me well in every other way, but I am tired of defending my right to look. 

I feel this kind of behavior is insecure and part of the reason for our lackluster sex life, an area I have never had trouble with until now. I am a good guy. I do not cheat on her or treat her badly. But I do like to look at porn. Does this make me a bad boyfriend, or just bad for her? Do you see any solution here, or are we just too different in our views?

—Bewildered Boyfriend

Normally I would trim down such a long question, but I think it will do a lot of people good to read the whole thing. I cringed when I read it because I had to leave a guy for the same type of behavior. You would think that Elvis song “Suspicious Minds” would prevent people from smothering their partners with jealousy and snooping, but no, it still happens. If you start alterting your behavior for someone, like deleting your blog, she will know that you can be pushed around. If you change for her, she will just keep on taking away your freedom. I say be a man and tell her, “Look, I had cyber fun before I met you. I love you, won’t stray, won’t cheat, but I need my eye candy, and if you don’t like it, you can leave!” Most women don’t like their men looking at porn; but most tolerate it. I said most, so spare me the “I love porn, too” e-mails, ladies. This snooping shit has got to stop. Snooping is a hard addiction to break. In the future, keep your desktop locked with a password and tell the chicks your computer is your computer and they need to back off. As long as you aren’t looking at child porn or chicks fucking horses, you are just being a normal porn-loving guy! Tell her that this snooping is turning you off, and if it keeps up, she will be pushing you into a corner where one must choose, freedom or “jail.” If you are treating her well, she shouldn’t have a reason to snoop. You two are in a vicious cycle right now. The more she snoops, the more she turns you off, and this makes you want to look at more porn, making her feel insecure, so she snoops more ... not good. Next time you meet a woman, tell her you dumped your last girlfriend because she was too jealous and snooped too much. Tell all ladies past and present that “snooping is another word for stalking,” and last but not least, if people don’t like what they find when they snoop, they shouldn’t do it!