By Jeremy Lott

Before we wade into the race for new House majority leader, please, a moment of silence for the awesome sophistry of Tom DeLay. In the midst of a spending binge that makes those Roman emperors more prone to bread and circuses look like tightwads, he declared an “ongoing victory” in the war on pork and said that “after 11 years of Republican majority we pared [the budget] down pretty good.”

DeLay lasted as long as he did in House leadership because of his shamelessness and his understanding of the absolute necessity of spin. He forced out Newt Gingrich as speaker and then, rather than pick up that lightning rod himself, handed it over to the well-insulated Denny Hastert. He worked to marginalize Democrats through redistricting, pork-barreling and requiring that lobbyists hire more Republicans if they wanted to buy into the federal poker game. Even his mug shot was calculated to infuriate Democratic consultants. It’s hard to use a picture in negative campaign spots when the indicted is well coiffed and grinning from ear to ear.

The House Republicans might have brazened this one out, and thought very hard about doing so. They first changed the rules to allow DeLay to stay on if indicted, but then changed them back. With reason: Odds are, he’ll beat the rap. The alleged violations of campaign finance laws are Byzantine, it took two grand juries to produce an indictment, and DeLay’s lawyers have already got several of the charges dismissed. But Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff’s plea bargain pushed D.C.’s moral panic button in an election year, which finally finished him off.

DeLay called it quits in early January, and three congressmen stepped forward to run for his job. When members come back from recess, they’ll be forced to choose from three distinct types of leader that I’ve decided to call the Tortoise, the Hare and the Square.

The Tortoise: Roy Blunt is the slow-but-steady candidate whose long crawl through Missouri politics began in the early ‘70s. He’s a four-term congressman, House whip and the interim majority leader. 

Blunt’s got a lot of his old boss’ gifts and also some of his vices. He’s good at raising money for Republicans and right-wing causes, and his voting record is generally pro-life and pro-tax cut. When someone is said to be in bed with big tobacco, it isn’t usually literally true, but it is of Blunt. His current wife, Abigail Perlman, was a lobbyist for Philip Morris, and he’s had his hand slapped by the House leadership in the past for inserting tobacco-related riders into legislation.

Blunt is crawling as fast as he can, touting tax cuts and publicly promising that spending can be restrained, because this is one of those move-up-or-move-on moments. A new, reformist majority leader wouldn’t be likely to keep around someone who was so closely associated with Tom DeLay.

The Hare: If John Boehner took the top billing, it would be one hellova comeback. The Ohio pol seized on a Republican sex scandal in 1990 to bump off the local congressman and take his safe seat. In ‘95, he became the chairman of the House Republican Conference, but he did not distinguish himself in that post and was ousted in favor of Oklahoma congressman J.C. Watts. Boehner had to settle for the chairmanship of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, which allowed him to shake down Sallie Mae for campaign contributions.

Boehner is the best-looking and best-spoken candidate in the running, and also the laziest. Throughout his career, he has seesawed between calls for reform and utterly brazen behavior. The Ohio congressman was involved in a failed conservative coup against Gingrich and was also caught handing out checks from tobacco companies to members on the House floor. These days, he’s busy screwing college students out of the chance to refinance debt from their loans and calling on Congress to go on a pork-free diet in the Op-Ed pages of the Wall Street Journal.

The Square: John Shadegg, the Goldwaterite from Arizona, comes from the fabled class of ‘94 and has the votes to (mostly) back up the rhetoric. He’s selling himself as John Boehner with consistency—no Johnny-come-lately, you might say—and, of course, without the ethical taint. The white-haired former lawyer wants to get really serious about cracking down on runaway spending and other such things. His candidacy is utterly principled, and utterly doomed.

My prediction is that Blunt takes it in the first round of balloting and then gets to work on the new highway bill. We can only hope that he closes his acceptance speech by telling the assembled throng the era of big government is over.

Jeremy Lott is currently writing a book about hypocrisy.