By Hype Stalker

The wholesale bitch smacking of Bill Keller in last week’s New York magazine (“The United States of America Versus Bill Keller,” September 18) must still have the New York Times a little loopy, because all kinds of weird things are coming out of that shop. First we get some sort of weird “beta” (that’s hipster-geek-Web 2.0 speak for “please love this product, and if not, we’ll change it how ever you want”) newsreader that only works on Microsoft Windows and seems rather intrusive on various levels for those who just want to read the news. Then the paper gives a sexy spread to disgraced former New Republic blogger Lee Siegel (you remember, the guy who hates Jon Stewart, but doesn’t want anyone to hate him). Then the Grey Lady went and created a brand new title out of thin air called “Futurist-in-Residence,” for Michael Rogers, a former Washington Post exec and Newsweek.com manager. So let’s get this straight, in the age of the Internet you make a guy who has been in print since 1972 (he started at Rolling Stone) your Futurist-in-Residence? Genius! After we wiped off our keyboard from the coffee-spitting-laughter, it immediately became clear to us that this move is possibly the only thing they could come up with to pry columnist Tom Friedman from his comfy corner office. If there is anyone at the paper who wants the “futurist” title, it’s ole watch-me-pull-from-my-vast-hindquarters-a-new-meaningless-but-full-of-import-because-my-mustache-is-wiggling-metaphor Friedman. In the Times’ press release Michael Zimbalist, VP of the research and development operations (how’s that for a title) said, “Michael has unique insights into the confluence of digital technology, consumer behavior and journalism …” We’ll offer this piece of advice to Rogers: Watch those new paradigm shift proclamations, Tom Friedman will cut a bitch …

So after jet setting around the world to attend fashion shows, drink expensive wines and hobnob with the elite, what’s a girl to do after being deposed from the perch of Vibe editor-in-chief? Parlay one of those contacts into a spiffy new job at Condé Nasty? Round up a team of investors and start your own fabulous glossy just to show the world how to do it right? No ma’am. In the case of Mimi Valdez, the answer is: Hook up with the ousted, broke, bitter and gangster-rapper-controlled former publisher of The Source rap mag and lead his new rap gossip paper Hip-Hop Weekly! Mark our words, this will all end in tears …

And now for some good questions… When is this magazine from American Apparel’s Dov Charney coming out and will it really give Hustler a run for its money? Why is Clear Channel selling so many radio stations just as Howard Stern is rumored to be returning to terrestrial radio? When will the crazy-like-a-fox logic of firing Tom Freston finally be revealed by Viacom’s Sumner Redstone? If Radar’s “Hard To Kill” posters around Manhattan accurately portray Maer Roshan’s dedication by showing a roach reading the magazine, could the continuing publication of the New York Sun accurately be portrayed by Jabba the Hut swallowing more creepy crawly things whilst farting in front of a naked dancing slavegirl?