By Dr. Dot
drdot@drdot.com

Q. I got my girlfriend pregnant, but not on purpose. She told me she was on the pill and I thought it was safe to shoot my love into her. We have only been going out for two months and we are both young (I am 20 and she is 23). I like her but don’t love her enough to spend the rest of my life with her or to support a child with her. She just sent me an email telling me she is pregnant and I am too shocked to respond. How can I get her to get rid of the baby? Answer as soon as possible.

Love Shooting Larry

A. For you and all the other guys reading this: Always use a condom if you don’t want a baby or a disease. My brother used to say: “I don’t bathe with my socks on—I’m not gonna fuck with a condom on.” Now he has kids all over the place. 

Back to your present dilemma, though. Ask to meet her in a public place so there is less screaming and drama. Sit down with her and look her in the eyes and say, “So, what do you plan to do?” This is a neutral question that will force her to speak her mind and it doesn’t make you against or for keeping the baby. Hence, you will be on her good side no matter what her decision is. You can’t change a woman’s mind about such a thing and if you say you are against her having it, and she does have it, she will hold it against you forever and will probably tell the kid too once it gets older. If she has it, it doesn’t mean you have to be with her for life, it just means you are a father and should support the child any way you can, which can be the most rewarding, beautiful thing one can do in this life. Procreation: isn’t that what we are all here for anyways?

Q. A man I know gave me a very expensive diamond necklace for Christmas and I love it, but I know he is into me much more than I am into him. I am not sure if it’s alright to keep it or not, I mean, I feel obligated to him now. What would you do in my shoes?

Bling Baby

A. I would pawn it off and buy the complete Frank Zappa collection on vinyl. Seriously, if you aren’t going to sleep with the guy, give it back and say, “It’s gorgeous, but I could only accept that if we were a couple, and I’m just doing my own thing right now.” No jewelry is worth the drama of obligation. Save up and get your own bling—the self-respect that comes with it makes you radiate self-confidence, which is the world’s most potent aphrodisiac.

Q. You look fabulous. What’s your secret to staying in shape and looking so healthy? I have gained at least five pounds since Thanksgiving and my face is breaking out. No one will want to fuck me looking like this. Please—I need help fast.

Porky Pam

A. Start jogging every day for at least 40 minutes. If you are a huge, then stick to power walking. Eat every two hours, but something small, like some cheese and an apple, tofu and a veggie, nuts and a half of banana, or fish (I hate fish) and some salad. You get the idea: small meals, but very often. Bring healthy food with you everywhere; people will think you’re nuts, but it really works. This will jump start your metabolism. Just make sure you don’t eat for at least two hours before bed. Why put gas in a car that will be parked all night? As far as your skin is concerned, change your pillowcase every other night—this really helps! Take two aspirins and crush them with the bottom of a glass. Then add a bit of water and make a paste and rub it all over your face, especially where the zits are. Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off with cold water (for a more dramatic effect, throw in an Aka Seltzer tablet with the aspirin). This will get rid of the zits and make you look like you just had a wonderful shag. Drink loads of water and avoid sugar, smoking, caffeine and alcohol. This should help, but you have to stick with it.