By Judy McGuire

Aside from birthdays and other calendar events, can you explain the appropriate use of gifts in the various stages of a relationship? Are guys who give girls gifts considered wussies by the girl? That is, does doing so drop the guy in status from dateable bad boy to boring boy toy or, worse, just friends? I've heard that women view gifts as both good and bad at the same time. On the surface, the gifts are a nice display of affection. But really, isn't she wondering what he is compensating for by giving the gift, or what ulterior and probably sleazy motives he may have for giving it. At what point, if ever, can a guy give a girl a gift without losing her respect? Can you suggest any general guidelines on frequency and monetary amounts of gifts? I'm a shy guy who'd rather give a cute barista with a neat Artemis tattoo a dollar tip than spend it doing my laundry; is that really a bad way to try to say hello?

—Jimi

You should know that there's a big difference between a gratuity (which should be given to all competent food service professionals—not just the comely ones) and a gift. Furthermore, if you were to slip a buck in Miss Neato-Tattoo's tip jar while stiffing her portly hare-lipped co-worker, you would be correctly labeled a leg-humping jackass by the entire staff, and would be well advised to run a phlegm check on any subsequent frappuccinos.

Now just so we're clear here—a tip is not a gift. Got it?

And really, Big Spender, do you actually believe a dollar—100 pennies—is going to turn any girl's head? I'm not saying you're a cheapskate—a single is a perfectly acceptable gratuity on a cuppa joe. But quit thinking you're transmitting secret love vibes via one lonely dead president, because it ain't happening.

If you're intent on hitting on your barista (which I wouldn't advise unless you've got a backup coffee place close by), try talking to her. Bear in mind that cute girls who deal with the public get chatted up constantly, so spare her the lines as she's heard them all before. Find out what kind of music she likes and then ask her to a show. Or if she professes a fondness for sushi, offer her dinner. I know it's scary, but quit dicking around and ask her on a date. She may say no, but dating is fraught with danger. You'll probably survive.

Onto gifts: women adore presents. Big ones, small ones; it matters not. I don't know where you got the utterly wrong wrong wrong idea that ladies think men who give prezzies are pussies, because quite the opposite is true.

I've dated guys who've brought (note, I didn't say "bought") me gifts on our very first date and was always charmed by the gesture. It was usually something along the lines of a homemade CD or a used copy of a book we'd talked about. Knowing that Dateboy had actually listened and absorbed what we had discussed meant more than the actual gift itself. (Because too many of you guys don't hear—you just pause until it's your turn to talk; which admittedly can sometimes be a very long wait.)

Guidelines for giving are fairly simple. For the first six months (at least) keep it considerate, but on the inexpensive side. Don't stretch your credit limit until I-love-you's have been exchanged and you've (both) shared a good year and a half of monogamy (if that's your thing). Even then, don't get ridiculous unless you can afford it. Unless you're dating a gold-digger, thoughtful beats pricey every time. (Of course, if you can manage both, bring it on.)

Feel free to abandon all rules on birthdays and holidays. Last Valentine's Day my Special Naked Friend met me at the door dressed up like Mr. Pink (he knows of and almost encourages my Steve Buscemi fetish). Inside the apartment were flowers, candy, booze and the director's cut of Reservoir Dogs.

Somebody got laid that night.

The bottom line is, if some broad already thinks you're a doormat, trying to buy her affections is only going to increase her loathing for you exponentially. Buy her a pack of gum, she'll only think you're a slightly larger pantywaist than she had originally. However, if you show up with those knee-high patent leather boots she's been salivating over for months, you're toast. She'll be on the phone with her girlfriends that very night, trash-talking the losered-out mook (that'd be you) she manipulated into purchasing pricey footwear, and plotting as to how she can get you to spring for the matching bag before she kicks you to the curb.

By the same token, if she's already smitten, a little bauble will only cause a lady to adore you that much more. You'll get smiles and thank-you's and more than likely, oral sex. Isn't that pleasant? This is why it's always a good policy to limit yourself to dating people who actually like you.

E-Mail Dategirl @ dategirl@seattleweekly.com