By Paul Krassner

MOST TRUSTED NAME IN NEWS Here's the Rumpleforeskin Report with some highlights of the Republicans' turn at producing the traditional campaign infomercial extravaganza:

• The tag-team mud-wrestling match between the Kerry sisters and the Bush twins was a sure way to attract the much-coveted youth vote.

• The Swift Boat race along the Hudson River provided a breath of fresh air that sounded more like listening to Nixon speak.

• When John McCain referred to a "disingenuous filmmaker," Quentin Tarantino stood up and took a bow in his own living room.

• Alan Keyes castrated himself in order to prevent "selfish hedonism."

• Tim Russert, host of NBC's Meet the Press, revealed that he is actually the missing Quaid brother.

• As demonstrators chanted, "No more Bush! No more Bush!" Whoopi Goldberg thought it was a shout-out for the bikini-waxing special-interest group.

• Every time the marching protestors yelled out, "Whose streets?" there was a chorus of New York City police responding, "Our streets!"

• This event also served as the political equivalent of American Idol, where presidential wannabes such as Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, George Pataki and Arnold Schwarzenegger auditioned as future candidates.

• Schwarzenegger goosed Laura Bush, but when she tried to grab his balls in retaliation, she couldn't find them due to his heavy use of steroids.

• Giuliani presented Dick Cheney with a congratulatory microwave oven.

• While talking about the state of the American economy, Cheney suddenly broke into a popular country song, "Take This Job and Go Fuck Yourself."

But the biggest surprise during those four days was the introduction of George W. Bush by Osama bin Laden himself, wearing an orange jump suit, handcuffed behind his back and feet shackled to each other. The audience alternated between cheering and booing the bedraggled figure for a full eight minutes. Bin Laden's capture had been a superbly kept secret for five suspenseful weeks.

"Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking," he began, "I am honored to launch the reelection of your President Bush. That may seem strange to you, so let me assure you that my presence at Madison Square Garden has absolutely nothing to do with any kind of plea bargain. First of all, I happen to agree with the message of this convention, that the world is a better place without that inhumane infidel, Saddam Hussein. Moreover, I very much appreciated the $43 million that your government gave to the Taliban four months before September 11, 2001. Certainly, I wish to express my eternal gratitude to Allah for providing the best possible recruiter for al Qaeda, and I am speaking here of Mr. Bush...."

Meanwhile, waiting in the wings to walk out onto the specially built circular stage, Bush was plucking the petals of a daisy and muttering, "...gonna win...not gonna win...gonna win..." o