By Judy McGuire
dategirl@nypress.com

Recently, my 33-year-old boyfriend of eight months told me (with a bit of wine in his belly) that when he was eight years old he received oral sex from another little boy in his class. I kissed him (to make him feel better) then sweetly whispered in his ear, "Did you taste his cock?"

He did not want to respond, so I cuddled closer. After a few moments of silence he said, "Well I had to be polite and give back. I knew then that I was not gay because I hated the way his hair tasted on his cock."

"But I have hair on my pussy... Wait a minute...he had hair on his cock at age eight?! It's okay tell me everything. I love you. I won't judge," I said.

"Yeah...he was in the same class as me. I am not gay!"

I was surprised he knew this etiquette at age eight and was shocked and alarmed because I have met his very loving family and we have a pretty normal sex life...although I have had to beg for sex for a few months.

I don't want our sex life to die, and I am so turned on by him. Last week he asked me to marry him. I said, "Give me time." Now I am confused. Please help me understand.

—Anastasia

What's there to be confused about? Your boyfriend won't fuck you! Gay, straight or bi—who cares? What it comes down to is, you're dating a guy whom you have to "beg" for sex! You claim to have a "normal sex life" (whatever that is), but what you describe is a nonexistent sex life. And you've only been together eight months. Think about what'll happen in eight years, when he has every right to be bored.

Sure, love is great (blah blah blah), but long-term relationships involve a lot of work and shit-eating—I mean compromise. The payoff being, you get laid at the end of the day. What happens 10 years down the line when his parents move in with you, you're stuck changing his elderly dad's diapers and Sonny Boy won't even fuck you for your trouble? I'll tell you what'll happen—you'll grow to hate him. Quickly.

Your man is obviously conflicted about his sexuality (and most likely a big liar, because I don't care how much hormone-riddled milk he's been fed, eight year olds do not have pubic hair), but that is not your problem. Your problem is that you're not getting any, therefore you must go bye-bye.

In your recent column you referred to the expression "pantywaist" (8/11). Not everyone is familiar with this term. You said there was a big difference between a nice guy and a pantywaist. As you see it, what exactly is a pantywaist? What words could you use to describe it? What are the actions of a pantywaist? The non-actions of a pantywaist? As you see it, what is your concept of a nice guy? What are the words that would describe him? What are the actions that describe a nice guy? The non-actions of a nice guy? What summary comparisons would you like to make?

—Christopher

Picture if you will, a large, baggy, period-stained pair of washed-out pink-cotton granny panties. Got that image in your brain? Good. Now imagine what the waistband of these drawers looks like. The elastic is loose, grayish and any semblance of snap is just a faded memory. Go right ahead and picture that in human form now. Pantywaist Man is soppy, dreary and utterly useless. His biggest assets are negatives: He's not a cheater (because who'd fuck him anyway), he's not a loudmouth drunk (because he never drinks more than one wine cooler at a sitting) and he's not a serial killer (because murder requires too much energy). Pantywaist Man feels very slighted by society, women in particular. This fella firmly believes that simply by merit of not being a complete jackass, blowjobs and anal from supermodels are his due. When Kate Moss (or her doppelganger) fails to deliver the goods, Pantywaist Man gets all snippy and bitches that women just don't appreciate a nice guy, and vows to be even more of an asshole the next time he's able to convince some sap to date him.

Nice Guy, on the other hand, is interesting, smart and funny, and doesn't believe that behaving like a normal human being warrants an awards ceremony. Nice Guy actually listens when a woman speaks and will, on occasion, ask her a question about herself. Nice Guy dumps and gets dumped and realizes that this is all just part of life and not some sign from on high telling him to treat the next one like shit.

To summarize (as you requested), Nice Guy is what Pantywaist Man thinks he is, but he's not. Got it? o