Turkey Day is the time to fly to small town America, where no matter how successful you’ve become in the big city, your family will find a way to ensure you haven’t gotten too big for your britches. For your own arsenal, offer to tend bar and use these cocktail recipes to soothe the beast in everyone. You may even learn to not regret having made the trip.
1. The Granny Slammer: Grandma’s been up since 5:30 a.m. with her hand up the backside of the turkey. Hence she’s already downed half a bottle of sherry. If she’s going to go the distance, (i.e. finish cooking your dinner) she’ll need sustenance. Solution: One large glass of water with a shot of sausage gravy on the side.
2. NFL Win-Win: Dad’s getting his annual exercise, sitting in front of the TV screaming “Run, bastard, run” to the running back on the football field. Make sure to have a chilled pony keg of Labatt’s and an I.V. hookup. Serve with Swedish fish and Cheetos. With luck, by the second half, he’ll be pacified.
3. Mother’s Little Helper: Mom doesn’t drink, so serve her a Long Island Iced tea (1 oz. of tequila, vodka, rum, gin and triple sec, splashes of lemonade and Coke, shake well.) By the time she’s complained for the eleventh time about you not being married, she’ll change the subject to “that’s sure some good iced tea, hon.” Smile and nod, smile and nod.
4. Aunt Margie’s Aneurysm: Auntie’s been chattering incessantly about everything from her bunions to the neighbor’s thyroid, and if she doesn’t shut up soon, you’re going to drive up to Make Out Point and throw yourself off the cliff. Time to calm her down with a Bloody Brain. Make this in a travel cup with a lid. Using peach schnapps as the base, slowly pour Bailey’s Irish cream to curdle like a brain. Add a dripping of Grenedine or Tabasco for the blood. Your choice, but remember she did show you the oozing sore on her thigh.
5. Brother Joe’s Boogie Monster: Your brother hasn’t gotten off the couch since 1989. Mix one bottle Ginsing extract, one Monster energy drink, and 2 shots low quality bourbon. Serve with a smile and mention quietly that if he doesn’t rake the leaves by dinner time, you’ll blab about the blow up doll he’s got stashed under the bunk beds.
6 & 7. Nap Time Jello: For Carter and Jackson, ages 5 and 7, who have pushed crayons in their every orifice and eaten all the wax fruit off the table centerpiece. Make up a batch of Nyquil Jello. Serve in Dixie cups. Assume there are no ill side effects in conjunction with the turkey’s tryptophan. Watch them sleep til Saturday.
8. Uncle Mervin’s Monkey Gland: The only classic on the menu from the 1920s. Merv the Perv will enjoy the gin, O.J., grenadine and anisette concoction. Maybe tie him to the chair next to Aunt Margie. Serves him right. Then again, he has to live with her.
9. Yours Truly, aka “I need a damn drink”: You know very well the liquor stores in your home town only stock Frexinet and Korbel, not champagne. Buy a few bottles of each, add vodka and sit in a long, hot bath with Calgon. Dream of going home. Pass out. Repeat as needed.
10. After Dinner Digestif : Everyone gets a perky mélange of Pepto Bismal and dark rum. Just think, only 33 days ‘til Christmas! Happy Holidays.
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